Thursday, November 30, 2006

My first non-pregnancy related post in a long time.

My struggle with trying to lose weight has always been tied to my relationship with food. I know that sounds straightforward - but it's true. I don't have any problems exercising - I love being active. Where I run into problems, is the fact that my emotional swings always result in changing eating patterns for me.

When I'm extremely happy, I crave food. When I'm really bored or depressed - I crave food. Mostly, when I'm feeling insecure - I *really* crave food. This used to be more severe before I met my husband, because I always felt insecure then. Of course, when I met him, I became "whole" so to speak.:-) And my relationship wth food improved. But I never overcame the battle.

What does all this philosophical ramble actually amount to? Well, I had a scary morning at the doctor's appointment. He over-reacted when I said that the baby isn't particularly active, and sent me in for some "stress-test". I know it was in my best interest, but it was the way he went about the whole thing (and I won't get into all that). Anyway, he sends me to the hospital, to the child-birth floor where women are having REAL contractions everywhere. I go into this room where a dozen women are hooked up to fetal heart-rate monitors - and that's when I started freaking out. I am in a panic that something is wrong with the baby.

I call my husband at work (who is in the middle of a crazy deadline). He drops everything, and meets me at the hospital within 20 minutes. As soon as I see him, the lump in my throat expands and my eyes well up with tears. It was all I could do, not to start sobbing. I was so scared, and so relieved at the same time. They hooked me to monitors to do the testing.

Well, it turns out everything is just fine - baby is moving normally, happily. Thank goodness. But it was a really tough morning.

And when I got home, all I wanted to do was eat. And eat. And eat.

I haven't felt so compelled to eat like that in a LONG time. I just needed comfort. My husband had gone back to work. I felt lonely, and was still a bit shaken up from this morning. And that's when it hit me. This was a trigger - and I refused to give in.

How did I avoid a major binge? I kept myself distracted. Paced around. Tried to talk some reason into myself. None of it really worked, until I drew the connection between my emotional state and my desire to eat. And that's when I told myself that I didn't need food.

And here I am now, blogging about it. This entry probably makes no sense whatsoever! But it's the truth. I'm using food as a substitute for comfort. I need to figure out what else brings me comfort (especially when hubby is at work - he's one of the only people who knows how to soothe me). If it wasn't raining, I would have gone out for a long walk.

Anyway, half the battle here is figuring out how my own mind works. And if I'm going to get to my goal next year (and maintain it!) I'm glad that I'm starting to figure this stuff out. Now I'm off to figure out how to distract myself again.:-)


Christy said...

Wow - I'm sorry to hear you had such a stressful morning, but very happy to hear everything is OK with the baby.

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom re: relationship with food, but I'm in the same boat as you and I find it even harder to make sense of anything while I'm pregnant. Let's go easy on ourselves for a little while, give ourselves some time to get used to being mom's and then put more attention back to the food thing :)

iportion said...

It's hard not to binge sometimes
being lonely, rejected, bored and or tired are big triggers for me.

jeannie* said...

First let me say I'm so happy everything is ok with the baby! What a scare. I can imagine how hard the rest of the day has been after the morning you had.

I'm so proud of you for realizing your triggers and fighting them! That is certainly the first step. So be proud of yourself and just keep working at it :)

Cowgirl Warrior said...

I'm so happy that the baby is doing fine, that doctor should know to conscious of worries that expectant mother's may have.

I totally understand your relationship with food, it's identical to mine. Keeping distracted is key for me and I'm most dangerous when I'm at home and close to a fridge. I really think it's a battle by battle sort of thing. Take each event as it happens.

You're doing a fantastic job. Remember we're going shopping in June :)

Living to Feel Good said...

I'm glad to hear everything is okay with the baby. I friend went through the same thing, and her baby was fine too. Phew!

I think you did good acknowledging your triggers. The hard part is not giving in. You'll be okay.

Michelle said...

Sonya~ I think I had about a dozen stress tests done when I was pregnant with each of my girls. The doctors do them is non invasive and gives them a good idea of how babe is doing. Remember that the further along you go, the less the baby can move do to the lack of space in there. Give your belly a poke or try eating and that usually gets babe to move.

For the record..I think that most of us eat due to emotional swings...that's why we are overweight I guess. Good for you for not giving in...and keep on being positive!!! You're doing great. x

duenneschen said...

is the baby due in December or January?

gosh...thankfully everything is ok! i can't imagine this close to it being over finding something out!

a friend of ours just entered her 2nd trimester and she's already been on bedrest for half of her 1st trimester!

hope all goes well!

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