My first non-pregnancy related post in a long time.
My struggle with trying to lose weight has always been tied to my relationship with food. I know that sounds straightforward - but it's true. I don't have any problems exercising - I love being active. Where I run into problems, is the fact that my emotional swings always result in changing eating patterns for me.
When I'm extremely happy, I crave food. When I'm really bored or depressed - I crave food. Mostly, when I'm feeling insecure - I *really* crave food. This used to be more severe before I met my husband, because I always felt insecure then. Of course, when I met him, I became "whole" so to speak.:-) And my relationship wth food improved. But I never overcame the battle.
What does all this philosophical ramble actually amount to? Well, I had a scary morning at the doctor's appointment. He over-reacted when I said that the baby isn't particularly active, and sent me in for some "stress-test". I know it was in my best interest, but it was the way he went about the whole thing (and I won't get into all that). Anyway, he sends me to the hospital, to the child-birth floor where women are having REAL contractions everywhere. I go into this room where a dozen women are hooked up to fetal heart-rate monitors - and that's when I started freaking out. I am in a panic that something is wrong with the baby.
I call my husband at work (who is in the middle of a crazy deadline). He drops everything, and meets me at the hospital within 20 minutes. As soon as I see him, the lump in my throat expands and my eyes well up with tears. It was all I could do, not to start sobbing. I was so scared, and so relieved at the same time. They hooked me to monitors to do the testing.
Well, it turns out everything is just fine - baby is moving normally, happily. Thank goodness. But it was a really tough morning.
And when I got home, all I wanted to do was eat. And eat. And eat.
I haven't felt so compelled to eat like that in a LONG time. I just needed comfort. My husband had gone back to work. I felt lonely, and was still a bit shaken up from this morning. And that's when it hit me. This was a trigger - and I refused to give in.
How did I avoid a major binge? I kept myself distracted. Paced around. Tried to talk some reason into myself. None of it really worked, until I drew the connection between my emotional state and my desire to eat. And that's when I told myself that I didn't need food.
And here I am now, blogging about it. This entry probably makes no sense whatsoever! But it's the truth. I'm using food as a substitute for comfort. I need to figure out what else brings me comfort (especially when hubby is at work - he's one of the only people who knows how to soothe me). If it wasn't raining, I would have gone out for a long walk.
Anyway, half the battle here is figuring out how my own mind works. And if I'm going to get to my goal next year (and maintain it!) I'm glad that I'm starting to figure this stuff out. Now I'm off to figure out how to distract myself again.:-)