Monday, April 30, 2007

Being frank, Frank.

I just need this space to vent right now, and this post may not be full of positive vibes - for that, I apologize in advance.

I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and tired. My personal training sessions have been going really well. During the hour that I'm with my trainer, I give it my all. I push myself hard, I try everything, and I have a good time. I'm making lots of progress, to boot - my flexibility, balance, and strength is getting better by the day. I'm so happy that I committed to the sessions.

It's what happens outside the sessions that I'm having trouble with. My eating has been relatively good - but my urge to eat is still there. I am having so much trouble trying to quell it when I'm stressed or tired. I am trying to make meal plans, but am having trouble sticking with them. I'm back to feeling like I need to be "perfect", and the second I step even slightly out of line, I've blown it.

I love walking with the baby in her stroller. But I don't like the fact that that's my main source of cardio - and if the weather is bad, or the baby is fussy, it just doesn't happen. Plus, it still doesn't feel like "me" time. I still feel like I'm taking care of the baby the whole time...and I'm therefore not really motivated to go on these walks. I miss the fact that working out used to be my time - whether it was a long walk with my iPod, or sweating up a storm at the gym - it used to be about me.

I've tried to step back and analyze the situation. Is the act of taking care of a 4-month old baby and losing weight mutually exclusive? Of course not. But I want it to be - and that's what I'm struggling with. I'm wanting to compartmentalize the two activities, but of course, I can't. I used to have incredibly healthy habits - and now, I'm having a tough time reversing them.

I've gone through such a big life change. And whenever that's happened, I go through a period of emotional change too. With that, my eating triggers tend to act up. It happened when I got married, finished grad school, etc. That's what's happening now. I know this - but how can I stop it? I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I want to lose weight - without question. I am sick and tired of not fitting into my clothes. I can plan healthy meals, make time to exercise...but why am I just not doing it? I don't know.

I feel like I'm sinking into quicksand right now, as far as my weight is concerned. But there's a teeny-tiny branch that I can still grab onto....I just need a bit of help.


Kim said...

Oh Sonya - welcome to motherhood!!! :) I am glad that you have opened up with your feelings. First off, I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. My little ones are 4 and 2 and I am STILL feeling overwhelmed. You just have to take it one day at a time and do the best that you can. Treat yourself with a little more kindness. It is not all or nothing. It certainly sounds like you are on the right path with the training sessions. Is there any way that you can have time to yourself to workout before your husband leaves for work, or when he comes home? I know that finding time just for you is incredibly difficult, but it sounds like it is something you need to do if you can.

I don't want you to feel like you are sinking. You are not alone. I know that you will find your new groove, caring for the baby AND working out. Just give yourself a chance!!! :)

iportion said...

After I lost weight I found the urage to eat still there. I still want to binge sometimes.
There is no perfect eating. Just do your best.

Christy said...

Oh Sonya!

I was saying the EXACT same thing to my sister yesterday. The worst part is, I constantly feel guilty, it's like I want to sacrifice something when I want to take ME time, to get back into shape and to concentrate on myself. It's hard to separate the two, being a mom is all that I am these days. It's hard. Trust me, I understand. i wish I had answers, but I don't. But, the branch that I can offer you is knowing that you are not alone. I'm right there with you. I know it doesn't help us on our journey but knowing someone is going through the same thing may make things a bit easier? I don't know... I babble alot these days.

Hugs and kisses.

Cowgirl Warrior said...

Oh Sonya, you are not alone. All of my friends with babies have felt the same way. It's ok to be frustrated. You're not sinking, hello in the first couple lines today you talked about how you were improving with the training sessions.

It's o.k to vent and get it all out.

I have complete faith that you can lose weight and be a fantastic Mom.

You are one smart cookie

jodi said...

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time... i can imagine having a baby can really throw your life into a tailspin and make you feel overwhelmed... is there any way your hubby can give you one 1 hour, a few time a week, for doing cardio? i don't think men truly understand how difficult it is to be a mom and a wife and have a job, etc... just my 2-cents... :o)

Chris H said...

When you become a mother, and this is what sucks the most, you have to take second place.... the baby is first and foremost the most important thing in your life.. and will continue to be for a very very long time. So cut yourself some slack and just go with the flow... you will manage to squeeze "me" time in somehow, but it takes organisation and dedication... and you are not to feel guilty when you do find the time for yourself. You are still going through a huge change, 4 months is not long to get used to a whole new way of life, and I think you are in "mourning" for your old life still... you will get over it eventually ! It may take time,but it will happen. In the meantime, we in blog world are here to help you with our "kind" words and thoughts chick! So chin up and I hope you feel a bit better about all this soon.

duenneschen said...

honestly, your such an inspiration. i can't imagine what your going through but i hope you find what your looking for.

CaRoLyN said...

Frist of all, you are taking such a big step by just admitting it to yourself that your having trouble with the plan, or that you tend to fall out of line when you are going through a tough emotional time.
I know when things get frustrating, I always reacch for the fridge or the cupboard or any food that I "think" will make me feel better. But it won't. It woll only make you feel worse.
This week I think I am going to make my own weight loss stars or ribbon (just like at WW) and post them on my fridge. I've heard of other people doign this and when theyw ant to binge and head to the fridge, they see those stars and how far they have come and change thier mind. Just a thought....
Don't get down, we are all here for support!

Livy said...

These words say it better than I ever can.

Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else."

-- Wayne Dyer

Close your eyes and imagine that everything you have and everything you are is enough. You don’t need to be better or different -- you’re great just as you are. Can you experience the peace and contentment that owning that perspective brings?

Moving into such total acceptance does not mean that we stop growing. When we can accept who we are now, we open the doors to our own inspiration to do and be even more!

"Who you really are is enough."

-- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are."

-- Julia Cameron

Linda said...

It takes time to get used to new situations, give yourself that time and go with the flow.

Eventually it will all fall into place and routines will be firmly in place and it does get easier and remember - ask people for help, I'm sure there will be plenty people only too happy to have baby for a while, they will enjoy that and be able to hand baby back, that makes it more enjoyable, I know because I have 2 granddaughters and enjoy the time with them and then I can hand them back

Go easy on yourself.


noelle said...

This is the dance of motherhood. How do you care for your child without losing yourself and not caring for who you are.

At 4 months postpartum, you are still going through a lot of changes. Let it be. Honestly, my hips have finally come back together after easing apart to birth my first baby over 11 years ago. It's been over a decade and I am just now losing all the baby weight from all 6 kids. It's a journey...just as becoming a mama took a long time...becoming this new creature will take time as well.

You will find time for more cardio this spring and summer. I would say try to get up early before your hubby leaves for work, but you still need to get all the sleep you can get! This is just a season and it will be over before you know it.

And you are ahead of the game, girl. I never had healthy habits before my kids, so I am now trying to learn how to eat well, move more and still not fall back into my lifetime patterns.

and water is a lifesaver when you are tired. you only *think* you need carbs. drink up and take a nap! :D

KleoPatra said...

A blog is a great place to vent. You are not alone. We all go through stress, ups and downs. And you don't have to be a mom to know how it feels either... Stay strong in your heart and be true to who you are. I have great faith in you as a kind, compassionate, loving, fun, brilliant person in every possible way!!

KleoPatra said...

*HUGS* Sonya!!

katieo said...

I can totally empathize. My baby is now 8mos. old but it wasn't until he was 6 months old or at least sleeping about 6 hours in the night that I could really push with my cardio. The strength just wasn't there. The desire certainly was though and the fact that those two couldn't be reconciled was driving me bonkers...every morning that i couldn't fit into ANYTHING!
One thing I've learned from mommyhood is nothing stays the same for too long. So if you're struggling right now, it WILL get better. Either the situation will gradually adjust or you'll find a way. on the flip, if things are really working out with you and baby, just wait, they'll get harder :)
My generic parenthood motto is "just roll with it." It's not always easy but it helps my savor the time when they're really little and work my workouts gradually into our lives. I had been doing things here and there (walking, the occaional class at the gym, etc) since he was born, but when he finally started sleeping more, we all got into more of a family rythm and viola! that habit was there for me to go %100. (with each child, I had to workout at different times, depending on our family sitaution. one time it was walks with a friend-baby in tow-another it was going to the gym at 9 at night, this last time i've had to go at 5:30 am.
with exercise I just ahd to have this attitude of WHATEVER it takes!

Also, during the time I wasn't going gung-ho with exercise I really tried to be aware of my eating. It is WAAAAYYYYY to easy for me to get sucked into the vortex of emotional eating when I have a new baby.

I know this is an older post but just having gone through this same thing, i had to put my 2 cents in!
...well, more like 90 cents. :)