Sunday, October 14, 2007

A soap-box speech - directed to myself.

Please forgive the following kinda preachy blog entry. I'm totally directing it at myself, because I'm enraged. I've come to some stark realizations over this past weekend, and I just need a place to vent. What better vestibule than my blog? So, if you're not feeling up to it, read no further ahead.:-)

I'm sick. For the fifth time (literally) in the past six weeks. Except this time, it's exceptionally bad. I've got bronchitis, a head cold, and a low-grade fever. I can barely breathe, I have no sense of taste, and I just want to crawl under the covers and die. Yesterday was worse - I wanted to check myself into the hospital because I seriously thought I was at death's door.

So, I'm lying in bed, trying to rest and read. And I'm listening to my husband playing with my daughter outside of the bedroom. He periodically came in to place a cup of chamomile tea or water by my bed, to stroke my hair in sympathy, and then he'd go back to tending the baby. It sucked. I can't go near her because I'm really bloody sick, and under no circumstances do I want her to get this from me. But she's crying because she hears me cough, and wants to be held. She's held her arms out for me, reaching...and I just can't go near her.

And then the rage sets in. Why the hell am I sick again? Who gave this to me? Who touched me? Who gave me a glass of water that they sneezed in? I start listing all the potential "people" in my mind, as my rage continued to swell. It then occurs to me - it doesn't matter who got me sick, because my immunity is utter crap.

In my mind, I begin to draw one of those "decision trees" - you know, where one outcome leads to another? First box: Are you getting enough sleep? No. Like, 5-6 hours a night. Second Box: Are you exercising? BOLD No. Arrow down. Third Box: Are you spreading yourself really thin? I am feeling very hopeless at this point.

I have been taking my health for granted.

It's as simple as that. I am (relatively) young, and in generally good health. But I'm a good sixty pounds overweight now. Sixty. (echo, echo, echo).

This isn't about me fitting into a cute pair of jeans anymore. It's so much more than that. I'm a mother now. I have a serious responsibility to my daughter - to set a healthy example, and to be here on earth as long as I can. I have a responsibility to my husband. I have a major obligation to myself.

I could get diagnosed with diabetes tomorrow. I might even have a heart attack. And then, what's the point in realizing all of this then? I have the chance now to prevent all of that. I am SO lucky to have that opportunity. Instead, what am I doing? Throwing it all away. Playing "Russian Roulette" with my health. Denying that it can ever happen to me. It's all so wrong.

I don't want to live like this anymore, I really don't. I also don't want to continue on this weight loss journey, taking my time, as the weight comes off slowly. I want to be aggressive. I want to fight this. I want to do everything in my power to get this extra fat off my body.

I've hit what I thought was "rock bottom" a few times. I've had "new resolve" a million times. But really, if I don't do this now, I might as well prepare myself to get very ill. And the thought of that scares the life out of me. But really, what's my alternative?

I need to cut back on my part-time work. It's money. I need money - but I need good health more. I'm scared to disappoint my boss, and tell her that I need to scale back - but what choice do I have? I can't take care of my daughter during the day, and work for hours at night, and take care of everything at home, and make time for myself, and, and ain't happening. And the result? Getting sick five times in a few weeks. Feeling unhappy about how busy I am. No time to exercise. Enough is enough.

Rant over. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.:-) Well, I can't fix the situation without an action plan - so here it is:

(1) Get over my bronchitis and cold. Drink plenty of water, get lots of rest. Don't stress about exercise or diet - it will happen as soon as I'm better.

(2) Figure out a way to scale back on my work - help my boss hire a replacement for me in the next few weeks, and tell her gracefully that I need to cut back.

(3) No more excuses. Pick 2 classes at the gym - one yoga, one cardio - and start going. It's a mandatory appointment every week. Add other cardio in.

(4) Every time I feel like reaching for a cookie, chocolate, ice-cream, or anything unhealthy - think about my daughter and husband. I'm going to train myself to just picture their faces. I don't want to live in denial anymore.

I know this was heavy - but taking my health for granted has been plain stupid. It took me awhile to get here, and it's going to take me awhile to find my way back - but that's okay. I'm going to accept that, and start digging myself outta here. Because the grass is much greener on the other side - and I deserve to see that.


Kim said...

Oh Sonya - I'm so sorry to hear how sick that you have been. I hope that you get well soon! (AND STAY WELL!) Everything changes when you have kids. EVERYTHING. This whole weight issue has been a bone of contention my entire life, but it has taken being a mom for it to really hit home for me. Getting the weight off is so important because I want to be as healthy as I can be. I want ALL of the energy I can muster to keep up with my little ones. I want to instill healthy habits by walking the walk. Sure, it will be AWESOME to reach my goal weight and feel more sexy and confident, but that isn't the driving force it was when I was younger.

You are on the right track, and I know that you will reach all of your goals. You deserve to be healthy and your family deserves to have you around for a LONG LONG time!! :) Now drink some tea and get some sleep!!!! :)

jodi said...

it sucks being sick, even more so when you have a job, a house, a husband, and a child... i can't relate to the family but know what it feels like to be stretched so thin, you feel like you're going to break... i think by just venting and making a list like you did, is a very important step in making things better... first and foremost, your health is THE most important thing - once that is on track, things will begin to fall into place again...

looking at the big picture - losing the 60 pounds - might be too much... losing 5 pounds, and then another 5 pounds could be a better way for you to look at things...

i hope you feel better soon... :o)

iportion said...

I want to be healthy for my family.

Veg*Triathlete said...

Dear Sonya,
I just saw this post tonight, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond while you were feeling so low. It upsets to me so you so upset, to feel so disappointed again and again. You're doing soooo many things right, and for the right reasons. You can do this. I know you can. For you and for your little girl. I agree with Jodi - how 'bout a small weight loss goal for now? 5 lbs by December 1st? We'll cheer you on EVERY step of the way. You know what you need to do, and that it's the sum of all the choices you make that count. I truly want to see you succeed with this journey to better health.