Monday, January 05, 2009

The many bodies of Sonya....

The other day, I seriously purged my closet. To say that it was a crazy array of confusion would be an understatement. I have maternity clothes that I'm wearing now - work and casual. I have clothes that I bought earlier on in the pregnancy, that were "bigger" (but not maternity) when I hadn't told anyone at work yet, and was trying to conceal my burgeoning belly. I have clothes that I wore pre-maternity. And then there are clothes that were post weight loss (not my lowest weight, but somewhere in between) that I kept in my closet in hopes that I'd be wearing them in a few months.

How utterly insane, that I've had so many bodies! I couldn't believe it.

I also have a couple of boxes of clothes from several years ago, when I managed to lose almost 70lbs.

The one thing that I've realized, is that no matter what size I am, it's important for me to be wearing clothes that fit and make me feel good. For the longest time, I would punish myself with tight zippers and clothes that hugged me in all the wrong places. I'd still squeeze myself into them, thinking that it'd somehow motivate me to fit into them. But my confidence was horrible when I wore those clothes. I'd always feel self-conscious and would cover myself up as much as possible. There are countless pictures of me with my arms concealing my stomach.

But that's when I learned something about myself. I'm not motivated to lose weight so that I can fit into smaller sizes. My motivation is really about how I feel inside. That crazy adrenaline rush after a good workout. Seeing my skin start to glow. That little kick in my step when I'm walking around. Of course, I'd love to walk into a store and look good in anything off the rack. But that's not the most important thing to me.

As I cleaned out my closet, I looked at some of those smaller clothes and somewhat lamented. But then I realized: not only am I going to wear them later this year, I am going to feel totally amazing in them because I'll be so healthy. Maybe I'll even hit up my husband for some new clothes too.:-)


Eating is going really well. I made some home-style chocolate chip cookies for my hubby and daughter yesterday (from Dreena Burton's VLV book), and they came out really well. I only had a small one, and it was good enough.

My energy levels are much higher too. I'm still waiting to see the specialist about my diabetes - it's a bit annoying that the doctor's offices are still closed right now. I hope that the baby is doing okay, and that my problem isn't severe.

Worrying burns a lot of calories too, I'm afraid.:-(

But until then, I'm off to eat my goddess garbanzo sandwich (another Dreena Burton special!) and my organic golden delicious apple.

Good day!


jeannie* said...

You're back! And pregnant again! Congrats! That is so great! Sounds like you are in a great place. Keep it up!

Teresa said...

Welcome back and congrats on the new baby. Take care,keep us posted.

Christy said...

What a fantastic post. My closet looks the same as you. Just last night I took out the size 8's, so that everything in my closet fits me now. It's depressing flipping throuhg the rack and knowing you can't fit into half the stuff.

I am loving your attitude, about it being how you FEEL not what size you can fit into. But hold onto that smaller stuff, I see the motivated energetic Sonya coming back!