Saturday, August 29, 2009

Day 26: Hypocrite

So I went out for dinner with a friend of mine yesterday, to celebrate her birthday. And before you wonder, my eating was probably a 6 out of 10. Okay, a 5 out of 10. I should have been more diligent, I agree. But I'm back on track today, and that's what counts.

So anyway, she is really overweight. And she doesn't give a crap. That girl probably hasn't seen a fruit or vegetable in months. She always orders fries on the side if that's an option. She goes for the most disgusting, fattiest food on the menu. Dessert is a must. She doesn't believe in exercise. And if any of her good friends (outside of me) makes a gentle suggestion that she should try and get a bit healthy, she gets really defensive.

I thought about her a lot on my way home last night. And this morning. And I felt really angry. She probably weighs more than I did at my heighest weight, but not a lot more. I almost never ate like that, and being a vegetarian, I'm a freak about eating lots of fruits and veggies. I was moderately active. I obviously ate a lot of crap I shouldn't have, but nothing disgusting. Just a lot of calories and sugar. I didn't seek out opportunities to stick garbage in my mouth. And yet, we weren't all that different in body composition and weight. That just seems unfair. But whatever.

And now, I'm feeling all self-righteous because I'm on the road to losing weight. My ten pounds isn't very obvious to anyone (except me), so I still look overweight. She was drawing all kinds of comparison between the two of us throughout the evening, and it made me really angry. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a reformed person. Well not yet, anyway. But I try to get it right 80% of the time. I am slowly putting one foot in front of the other. I don't want to be like her.

I'm being a hypocrite. Because a few months ago before I started making slow changes, I really wasn't all that different before. My eating was still destructive, even if I didn't drive to McDonald's every night like her. Eating three granola bars in one sitting is really not that different.

So what am I trying to say here? Seeing her, was like a blurry reflection of the old me. Again, I'm not fully reformed, but I'm starting to let go of my past bad habits. It made me realize how far I've come (mentally), and how much I don't want to go back. Having food control your life is absolutely the worst way to live. Not caring about yourself is terrible. Making jokes about how you're just a "fluffy" chick is not cool.

Anyway, it lit a fire in my belly, and was just the second notch of motivation I needed to get me going towards my September goal.

I'm not saying I'm better than her. Because for the most part, I was her. And I have moments where I still am her. It just made me realize that I can't go back. I won't go back there again. And I can only hope that one day, for her sake, she has a revelation of her own too.

So today marks one more step forward.


Rebecca said...

amen... i hear you!

i went through this, and I got flamed for being judgemental, when it really was i just didnt like what I saw, in myself! it really had nothing to do with others except that I saw myself in them and I think it was then that I realized I was 100% ready to make a change and I'm so glad you had this experience!!!

no, it was not soupy. dry. like the beans sprouted, then then were dried, then they were sauteed in oil with seasoning. it was definately a side dish. like the indian version of mexican beans if that makes sense!


krissie said...

I love this post. I the moments when I realize how much I've changed. And I think there comes a point when the shift is so severe that you really can't go back. I look at my previous attempts at weight loss and how I was just putting a band-aid on my issues. This time I had to deal with my issues and the thought of going back is literally disgusting.

Keep rocking it out, girl! Before long everyone will notice how much you've changed!