Sunday, March 14, 2010

Reasons, reasons, reasons

It has been a tough slog lately, in terms of how I'm feeling about myself. As I've let my health slip to the end of the priority list yet again, it's hard not to feel kind of hopeless about this whole weight loss thing. There were a couple of days recently where I thought to myself, 'I'm just not meant to lose weight. I'll just stay fat for the rest of my life!'. The other voice in my head cautioned, 'Don't you dare give up! You don't have a choice'. But what it all boils down to, is wanting to do this. Clearly, my desire sparks up for awhile, and then wanes quickly.

My biggest challenge this time around will be sustain my motivation. I need to keep my eye on the prize. Because being this fat for the rest of my life is not an option.

So please bear with me as I make my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight. In no particular order. It's a laundry list, but I want to come back here when the craving for chocolate over-powers me. I want to come back here during weeks where I've tried really hard, but the scale doesn't budge and I want to throw in the towel. But most of all, I'll come back here at the end of my journey and read this ENTIRE list again.

Phew. Here goes nothing.

  1. I don't want to look like I'm still pregnant. After two kids, my stomach sags and bulges. Mortifying moment yesterday at the mall: a random person saw me walking by, and shouted out, "when are you due?". I wanted to crawl into the ground and die. It still hurts like hell to think about it.
  2. I don't want to hide behind baggy clothes anymore. I don't want to have to stand in front of my closet each morning, and think, "what will hide my body the best?". One day, I want to ask myself: "Which top will show off my neckline, my waist, my collarbones the best?".
  3. I don't want to to turn to food like it's my therapy. Those size-2 girls in the movies that drown their sorrows in Ben & Jerry's after a bad break-up are just make believe. I want to turn to exercise, to my friends, to my husband.
  4. I want to run in a marathon one day. I'm a runner, trapped in a fat girl's body. My ultimate goal is to break free, and the chains will fall off one last time when I cross that finish line.
  5. I want to chase after my kids like nobody's business. I want to lift them over my head, give them piggy-back rides, and dance with them for hours. I don't want to feel tired or sad, because I can't play. These are their most precious years.
  6. I want to live a healthy life, and live until I'm 100! I'm sure that I've already shaved years off my life with this extra weight (scary thought). It's time to change.
  7. I want to get a holistic nutritionist designation. Funny as it sounds, I think I'd be good at counseling others when it comes to healthy eating. I need to get my own house in order first.
  8. I want to be one of those people that has a penchant for cute clothes just because I can.
  9. I want to be happy with every photo I see of myself. I don't want to cringe inside.
  10. I want to be proud of my body. I want my family to be proud of me.
  11. I want to be the person that people ask, "How do you stay so fit and healthy?". I want to beam with pride.
  12. I want to be in control when it comes to food. I don't want to be its slave anymore.
  13. I want my children to learn from my example. I want them to run races with me when they're young. I want to run races with them when I'm old.
  14. I want to feel happy in my skin again. I'd love to run my hands along my hips, and feel muscle and strength. I want to feel limber. I want to feel sexy.
  15. Fifteen reasons already! I feel like I could go on and on forever, so here's the last one: I want to lose weight because right now, it's in my control to do it. I don't want to wait until I get diagnosed with an illness. I don't want to wait until my knees give out. I want to do this on my terms.
So, that's it. Maybe you can relate to at least one of those. But right now, I think it's the best gift that I could ever give myself. I've climbed up this hill so many times before. But someone once said, 'if at first you don't succeed, try try again', right? So here's to trying. And succeeding.


Rebecca said...

hey sonja... glad your still around.

i've thought about you a lot lately and glad to see your still fighting the fight.

hang in there!

Christy said...

I have to stop sounding like a broken record "I could have written this myself" Your style of writing is magnetic and I hang on every word" "Your blog is therapeutic for me" and I could go on and on... but I won't :)

I love your list, lots of things that I didn't think about but ring so true! Happy you're back! And I would LOVE to just run into you on the street... can you imagine???


Kim said...

I don't think that there is a single thing on your list that I don't identify with. I feel very much like I am in the same boat right now. Although I feel like my boat is sinking...

Please do not ever ever EVER give up on yourself Sonya!! We're here supporting you!!!

Teresa said...

Glad to hear you are back. We are all works in progress. If losing weight were simple, then there would be no over weight people. You've got alot going on right now, but it looks like you've found your way back. All the best.

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