For the last several days, I've been miserable in my body, wondering why I can't get my act together, and living in denial-land.
Last weekend, when that stranger asked when I was due, I was mortified. I mean, a small part of me denied that I could still look pregnant. And in a way, this woman "outed" me. (As a side note, I still think it's terribly rude to make assumptions about anyone being pregnant because you just never know. But maybe that's just me).
The week before that, my mother wrote me an e-mail. It was odd, because we talk a few times a week. Her letter to me was about how concerned she was about my burgeoning weight, that my health was suffering, and that I really needed to do something about it. It must have been hard for her to say all of those things. But if someone is going to be that honest with you, it'll be your mother. My eyes welled up with tears when I read it, but I was at work. I "filed" it away in my mind and went back into denial-land.
I guess everything has been building inside me, which is why I turned back to this blog and started to reflect on all the reasons to finally lose this weight.
A couple of nights ago, I was putting some dishes away in the kitchen. My husband asked me about something. And out of nowhere (and I mean, nowhere) I burst into tears. It took a few minutes before I could gather myself and figure out how to articulate what had just happened. I felt embarassed, overwhelmed, and frightened.
I told him about the incident at the mall. I told him about the e-mail. I told him about how I've been feeling. And as embarassing as it was, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
Change is never easy for me. And in the last couple of months, I've been going through a big transition with my return to work. Things really are starting to settle down again, and I'm starting to look to the future, as opposed to focussing on each day.
I feel really liberated now. I don't feel ashamed, or guilty. I'm ready to put one foot ahead of the other again, and fight the fight. I went to spinning class last night, and I worked really hard. My entire attitude was different. I'm looking forward to exercising again tonight.
I'm not worried about my eating right now, because I'm taking this one step at a time. A positive change each day, slow and steady.
I finally feel like I'm back in this game, heart and soul. So here's to being healthy today, tomorrow, and forever!