Tuesday, March 16, 2010

There's only one direction to travel after you've hit rock bottom

For the last several days, I've been miserable in my body, wondering why I can't get my act together, and living in denial-land.

Last weekend, when that stranger asked when I was due, I was mortified. I mean, a small part of me denied that I could still look pregnant. And in a way, this woman "outed" me. (As a side note, I still think it's terribly rude to make assumptions about anyone being pregnant because you just never know. But maybe that's just me).

The week before that, my mother wrote me an e-mail. It was odd, because we talk a few times a week. Her letter to me was about how concerned she was about my burgeoning weight, that my health was suffering, and that I really needed to do something about it. It must have been hard for her to say all of those things. But if someone is going to be that honest with you, it'll be your mother. My eyes welled up with tears when I read it, but I was at work. I "filed" it away in my mind and went back into denial-land.

I guess everything has been building inside me, which is why I turned back to this blog and started to reflect on all the reasons to finally lose this weight.

A couple of nights ago, I was putting some dishes away in the kitchen. My husband asked me about something. And out of nowhere (and I mean, nowhere) I burst into tears. It took a few minutes before I could gather myself and figure out how to articulate what had just happened. I felt embarassed, overwhelmed, and frightened.

I told him about the incident at the mall. I told him about the e-mail. I told him about how I've been feeling. And as embarassing as it was, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

Change is never easy for me. And in the last couple of months, I've been going through a big transition with my return to work. Things really are starting to settle down again, and I'm starting to look to the future, as opposed to focussing on each day.

I feel really liberated now. I don't feel ashamed, or guilty. I'm ready to put one foot ahead of the other again, and fight the fight. I went to spinning class last night, and I worked really hard. My entire attitude was different. I'm looking forward to exercising again tonight.

I'm not worried about my eating right now, because I'm taking this one step at a time. A positive change each day, slow and steady.

I finally feel like I'm back in this game, heart and soul. So here's to being healthy today, tomorrow, and forever!


Rebecca said...

oh sonja... i totally understand that feeling of embarrassment you felt.

i too had that moment, and it really was that moment that started it all.

it's a good thing even though it may not feel like it right then and there,it will help you get where you need to be!

totegirl said...

I feel your motivation! It's crackling like electricity! You can do this gal! And yes, spinning is so awesome. Thanks to your glowing recommendation, I tried it out when it was offered by work. Yay!

Barbara said...

One day at a time.. focus on today, conquer today and move on to tomorrow.. you can do this .. Spring is around the corner waiting for the new you!!

Kim said...

I'm so proud of you for pushing through the darkness and fear of denial. I'm proud of you for exercising and for taking steps to take care of yourself.

You can do this. You ARE doing this. :)

Christy said...

I think we've always done our best, one step at a time. I'm sorry that stupid lady asked when you were due, it's happened to me and it's horrible and it hurts.

And when people close to us let us know they are worried, although it hurts at first, you KNOW that they are only doing it because they love you. Maybe that's what was needed to start to refocus again. Sometimes we need a little push, no matter where it comes from.

It may sound weird, but I'm happy you broke down in front of your husband, you always try to stay so positive for those around you and sometimes you need to remember that you need someone to support YOU and be positive for YOU. It's a good thing.

Let's get back to our happy healthy selves together.

marie said...

Sometimes it takes a little breakdown to breakthrough.

Sadly, mine usually involves ripping the rearend of a pair of pants.

Literally take it a day at a time, a step at a time. You have a lot to deal with as a mother, a wife, with work and just with life, cut yourself some slack and take it as it comes.

You`ll get there :)

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