I went into a state of shock when I mounted myself on the scale this morning. I mean, it was early in the morning - but I blinked, like, ten times. I got off the scale and got back on again. Three times. I even tried shifting the weight of my body onto one foot a bit to sway the number. Nothing changed.
I am officially at my HIGHEST weighest ever. Outside of being pregnant of course, but I'm just a smidgeon away from being that weight too.
I am numb. You know that feeling when someone slaps you across the face, and there's a residual stinging? (Okay, well, it's not like I get smacked across the face regularly - if ever - but you know what I mean). It's a really, really, really weird thing. I am totally and utterly shocked.
I will publish this number, when I'm ready. When I've digested it. But right now, I'm trying to focus my energy as to how to conquer this. Complacency can't have a place in my life anymore.
I have thought in the past that I've hit rock bottom. There have been tears. Endless eating. New challenges. Promises. But the reality is, I simply haven't wanted it badly enough. I'm busy with my job and kids. I am constantly on the go. But I haven't made myself a priority.
After today, the stark reality of this being something that I have to do, versus wanting to do is really setting in. It's starting to move beyond the point of something that is now in my control, and into something that is beyond. The next stage of this will be a diagnosis of illness. I'm not being melodramatic. It's the reality. If people who are in perfect shape find themselves in doctor's offices around the world being told that they have diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, why should someone in my shape expect to have a clean bill of health forever?
My BMI is over the top. For every "risk factor" that's out there for illness, I can check off 90% of the list. It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?
Sadly, it's not like I eat burgers and fries every night. In fact, I can't remember the last time I ate junk food! It's the constant grazing, and poor thought that I'm putting into my meals. It's the lack of activity because I'm so busy putting the kids first. It's not putting me first.
It has to stop. Or this will end very badly. All because I didn't take the time to address this.
I don't know how I'm going to attack this. The mountain feels high. But I am going to climb it.
In the meantime, I start on Week 3 of my running plan tonight. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can do this! I know I can.