Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Blink. Blink.

I went into a state of shock when I mounted myself on the scale this morning. I mean, it was early in the morning - but I blinked, like, ten times. I got off the scale and got back on again. Three times. I even tried shifting the weight of my body onto one foot a bit to sway the number. Nothing changed.

I am officially at my HIGHEST weighest ever. Outside of being pregnant of course, but I'm just a smidgeon away from being that weight too.

I am numb. You know that feeling when someone slaps you across the face, and there's a residual stinging? (Okay, well, it's not like I get smacked across the face regularly - if ever - but you know what I mean). It's a really, really, really weird thing. I am totally and utterly shocked.

I will publish this number, when I'm ready. When I've digested it. But right now, I'm trying to focus my energy as to how to conquer this. Complacency can't have a place in my life anymore.

I have thought in the past that I've hit rock bottom. There have been tears. Endless eating. New challenges. Promises. But the reality is, I simply haven't wanted it badly enough. I'm busy with my job and kids. I am constantly on the go. But I haven't made myself a priority.

After today, the stark reality of this being something that I have to do, versus wanting to do is really setting in. It's starting to move beyond the point of something that is now in my control, and into something that is beyond. The next stage of this will be a diagnosis of illness. I'm not being melodramatic. It's the reality. If people who are in perfect shape find themselves in doctor's offices around the world being told that they have diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, why should someone in my shape expect to have a clean bill of health forever?

My BMI is over the top. For every "risk factor" that's out there for illness, I can check off 90% of the list. It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?

Sadly, it's not like I eat burgers and fries every night. In fact, I can't remember the last time I ate junk food! It's the constant grazing, and poor thought that I'm putting into my meals. It's the lack of activity because I'm so busy putting the kids first. It's not putting me first.

It has to stop. Or this will end very badly. All because I didn't take the time to address this.

I don't know how I'm going to attack this. The mountain feels high. But I am going to climb it.

In the meantime, I start on Week 3 of my running plan tonight. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can do this! I know I can.

12 comments:

Barbara said...

Hello Sonya,
I am trying to recall how I came across your blog.. I am member of the gastric band blogs, and not sure if you are in pursuit of band or not mode. so please forgive me.

But what I want to share will not matter. I have felt like you (many times) and the only thing that has gotten me out of my funk, and get me motivated is creating a written plan of action (on grid paper) where I can make a lot of check marks and stars to look at my plan and my achievements.

SO I encourage you to do the same. no more beating your self up .. IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOU.. Here is another little tip. I say to myself when ever I make a decision to eat something or do something or not do something "I CHOSE TO DO (fill in the blank) or I CHOSE TO EAT (fill in the blank). You see .. it is about empowerment and being in charge of YOU.. try it.. it gives you a good feeling.. my very best to you..

Rebecca said...

awe sonja...

at first it was funny, as you explained you dont get smacked across the face that often, but now I feel your pain.

For someone who doesnt have kids, I cant imagine the sacrifice you have to choose between sleep or working or spending less time with your fam.

At least your hear, talking about it. You'll figure it out.

hugs!!!

Cowgirl Warrior said...

I get what you mean by the "sting", I've never been hit in the face but I do remember being spanked.
The first step is realizing where you are then you can make your plan. Remember you are not alone.
Hugs!!

Sonya @ Eyes on the Hourglass said...

Awe...I feel for you hun. I remember the day I stepped on the scale and got that slap as well. This weight/diet/lifestyle thing is so damn hard. I'm not an expert at it at all. I actually really suck at it....but like you I'm trying to get better...slowly. I'm not going to give you an advice really. Just remember you are worth it. You can do it, You deserve it.

Teresa said...

Welcome back, sorry to hear you've been overwhelmed. Don't get down on yourself. ((Keep positive and remember baby steps.))

Christy said...

Oh sweetheart. I can SO relate. It's hard for us to concentrate on ourselves when we have these precious little children. But we are doing it for them as well as ourselves!

One day at a time my friend. You can do it. YOu are one of the strongest people I know. Baby steps. Tackle one thing at a time, and it looks running is Step #1 for you. We've talked about this lots of times that we can't try to do a million things at once, or we will get nothing done. Concentrate on your running. Then in a week, or a month, or whenever you are ready, take the next step.
I'm so proud of you.

xxooxox

Kim said...

Oh brother, do I know how you feel. :( The good news is that you CAN change this. It's hard, and it sucks, but it is doable.

I think one of the hardest things I've learned about being a mom is how important it is to take care of myself. And I still struggle with it every single day. But you have to look at it as an investment in your future, as well as your children's future. They need you to be happy and healthy.

Things are never too far gone to change for the better. You just have to put the work into it. There are always going to be good days and bad days, but the more you plug away at it the more good days there will be. :)

Don't give up Sonya. :)

fabulousn40 said...

OH good for you to get back on track! I have just started blogging too. And needless to say I rather stink at it lol Your not alone as you can see just keep trying until you get it right.

Regaining my self image said...

I am also at my highest weight ever, I hate it.

You give me inspiration!!

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