Goodbye, Belly - a journey to a healthier me!

Poking my head in....

2010-12-04T09:58:00.002-05:00

I'm coming back soon!

I've been working on a lot of stuff through my head over the last few months. It has been an important break. Lots of highs and lows. But the clarity is finally coming to me.

I'm going to be starting a new blog, and will post the link here. See you very shortly!!!

xo

Bye for now

2010-07-17T19:56:00.005-04:00

Once again, I haven't been back here in a couple of months! Life isn't getting less busy.

I've been thinking a lot about blogging, but am realizing that it requires a lot of commitment. Time that I'm not sure I have right now. And really, if I'm going to spend whatever spare time I have (after work and looking after two kids) blogging, I should really be using it for exercising.

My problem is, I'm not disciplined! I sit down to read blogs, and the next thing I know I've spent an hour on facebook and twitter too. I am spending waaaaay too much time in front of this computer. It's addictive, without question.

I enjoy writing here. I enjoy reading. But I think I need to take an "official" break from it. If I do come back (which may be sooner than I think), I will probably start up a new blog altogether. I will post the link here.

Sigh. I've had this blog for almost five years now, which is amazing. In that time, I finished grad school, and had two kids. My weight hasn't changed much - in fact, I'm probably up by a 'net' 30 lbs! But when I think about where life has taken me, I wouldn't change it for the world. The weight, I can lose. I wouldn't want anything else to go away.

But now it's time for the next chapter. And maybe that's a new space to write about different things. Maybe it's a new weight loss journey. But I feel the need to start over.

If any of you are still reading this, I want to say, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is really down to all of the encouragement that I got on here that I was able to pick myself up one some days. You've all inspired me so much. Ironically, I can't put it in words.

So here's goodbye for now. I'm fairly certain I'll start up again. But it'll be a reincarnated version of me. Hopefully very soon.

Keep strong and carry on! I hope all of you reach your goals. There's no better feeling than crossing a finish line. I hope when you get to yours, it's for good.

much love,
Sonya

An old friend...at sunrise

2010-06-01T09:42:00.002-04:00

Got home from work at 10pm last night.
Went to bed at 11pm.
Husband started hacking at 12:30am. Couldn't sleep.
Baby woke up at 1:30am. Managed to shush him back to sleep by 2am.
Wide awake until 2:30am.
Alarm blares at 5:55am. I want to cry.
Drag myself out of bed at 6:05am. Did I emphasize the word, drag?
Got dressed and semi-fed by 6:22am. Still dragging.
At spinning class for 6:30am.
Pushed myself as hard as I could from 6:30 - 7:30. Wasn't digging the Led Zeppelin or ACDC during the class, but tried to slog through it.
Home at 7:40am. Feeling amazing. Exhausted, but accomplished.

Yay.

Week 4: adventures in running

2010-05-31T14:13:00.002-04:00

First of all, thank you so much for all of your support after my last post. You really lifted my spirits and made me feel like I can do this. It's hard to put yourself out there like that, you know? But I couldn't do it without all of the support I get here. Thank you again.:-)

Secondly, as of this morning, I completed my eleventh run! I am on Week 4 of my running program. I actually ran for five minutes straight this morning. It was painful, and I hated every second. But the love is in the high that I get when I'm cooling down and walking home. I feel so accomplished.

I've also been making really good decisions in my eating. I've cut out all the snacking and grazing when I come home from work, and I attack the fruit drawer instead. I've told myself that there are no limits on fruits and veggies!

As for exercise: it's working for me this time, because I am up at the crack of dawn. There are no excuses about being tired from the day, or having to work late. And the streets are so serene and peaceful. I will admit, it's hard to come home, shower, get two kids ready for daycare, get everyone fed (plus myself all dressed up for work), and then get out the door in one piece. It's exhausting just writing about it. But I'm doing this for me.

Oddly enough, I don't have an urge to jump on the scale to see if my changes are working. I mean, I know it's important. But I feel so good right now. Isn't that enough?

Blink. Blink.

2010-05-25T11:11:00.005-04:00

I went into a state of shock when I mounted myself on the scale this morning. I mean, it was early in the morning - but I blinked, like, ten times. I got off the scale and got back on again. Three times. I even tried shifting the weight of my body onto one foot a bit to sway the number. Nothing changed.

I am officially at my HIGHEST weighest ever. Outside of being pregnant of course, but I'm just a smidgeon away from being that weight too.

I am numb. You know that feeling when someone slaps you across the face, and there's a residual stinging? (Okay, well, it's not like I get smacked across the face regularly - if ever - but you know what I mean). It's a really, really, really weird thing. I am totally and utterly shocked.

I will publish this number, when I'm ready. When I've digested it. But right now, I'm trying to focus my energy as to how to conquer this. Complacency can't have a place in my life anymore.

I have thought in the past that I've hit rock bottom. There have been tears. Endless eating. New challenges. Promises. But the reality is, I simply haven't wanted it badly enough. I'm busy with my job and kids. I am constantly on the go. But I haven't made myself a priority.

After today, the stark reality of this being something that I have to do, versus wanting to do is really setting in. It's starting to move beyond the point of something that is now in my control, and into something that is beyond. The next stage of this will be a diagnosis of illness. I'm not being melodramatic. It's the reality. If people who are in perfect shape find themselves in doctor's offices around the world being told that they have diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, why should someone in my shape expect to have a clean bill of health forever?

My BMI is over the top. For every "risk factor" that's out there for illness, I can check off 90% of the list. It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?

Sadly, it's not like I eat burgers and fries every night. In fact, I can't remember the last time I ate junk food! It's the constant grazing, and poor thought that I'm putting into my meals. It's the lack of activity because I'm so busy putting the kids first. It's not putting me first.

It has to stop. Or this will end very badly. All because I didn't take the time to address this.

I don't know how I'm going to attack this. The mountain feels high. But I am going to climb it.

In the meantime, I start on Week 3 of my running plan tonight. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can do this! I know I can.

Three-day experiment

2010-05-22T08:54:00.003-04:00

It's a long weekend for us Canadians! I'm happy to have three days away from work.

My job has gotten out of control: I'm running myself ragged. Yesterday, I went for the entire day without a sip of water. I just go from meeting to meeting to meeting. I'm starting to remember how I ended up getting sick when I was pregnant with my son. I've tried talking to my boss (told her I am really stretched), but she wasn't overly sympathetic. She just added a bunch of work to me (without extra money!), and expects me to deliver. All I can think about are my beautiful babies, and how much I miss them during the day. I wish I didn't have to work!

Anyway, I'm going to take these three days to take good care of myself. Lots of exercise, good food, and love. Recipe for happiness, no?

I am 100% positive that on Monday morning, I'm going to feel like a new person. I'm going to put myself first. And then I'm going to make it stick for the rest of the week.

Breakfast today: lite ricotta cheese, organic strawberries, topped with hemp seeds, and a drizze of pure maple syrup. Sooooo good!

When all is lost, just start running

2010-05-17T21:07:00.003-04:00

I'm going to just pretend like I haven't been gone for several weeks, how's that?;-)

Really, my personal life has been topsy turvy upside down. But things are starting to settle down again, which is good.

Here's the stuff that makes me cringe, but I'm writing it down:

- I've gained more weight;
- I feel like crap;
- My pants are tight;
- I've never felt worse.

In all honesty, I don't think the mountain has ever looked as high. I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for myself. I promised myself that "this" was it. I told myself that I'd hit rock bottom again. I lectured myself.

So one day, I decided to stop wallowing. I decided to just start moving. I told myself that I could *wallow* AND move at the same time!

So I started running again. I've been getting up at 5:30am, before anyone else in my house rises. It's my time. No excuses about how I'm tired from my day. Nothing to get in the way, except my alarm. You know what? I saw about five other people on the street running. Me? I was waddling. But at least I wasn't alone!

Last week, I finished Week 1 of Couch-to-5K again. It felt good. I'm feeling hopeful. I'm starting to feel like myself again.

So, no challenges. No, "I'm going to lose 100lbs by my birthday". No unrealistic goals. I'm just going to run my little heart out. It's all I know how to do right now. I'm hoping the rest will work itself out in the fullness of time.

Four!

2010-03-18T22:48:00.003-04:00

Yes. Four days of being active.

Has my eating been stellar? Hells no. It hasn't been terrible but not perfect. And I'm not even stressed about it.

Because I promised myself that I would take this one step at a time. I promised myself that at the very least I would get moving every single day. And that's exactly what I've been doing.

Monday: Spinning
Tuesday: 5K walk
Wednesday: 5K walk (Gawking at all of the St. Patrick's Day celebrations and pint drinking going on. Green with envy. Haha - pun intended).
Thursday: Run/walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

So here's the verdict as to how I'm feeling:

- definitely more energetic and limber. I go to bed feeling tired in a good way. Not in a "sluggish" way.
- I am breaking out like a mofo! What's up with that? It looks like my left cheek was involved in a drive-by shooting.
- the scale says I've gained weight. Bloody hell. I'm disregarding it for now.

I have to be honest - tonight, I really just wanted to crawl into bed at 8pm. I even put on my pajamas. But then I forced myself to put on my gym clothes. But I was so glad when my workout was done. I wish I could bottle up that feeling and save it! Moreover, I wish I could remember that feeling every time I don't want to exercise.

So, yes. I've been sticking to my plan. I'll get a handle on my eating soon. But for now, it sure feels amazing to work those legs again. Now, I'm off to figure out why I'm still getting acne at the age of 34!

Starting the cycle

2010-03-17T09:41:00.002-04:00

So we all know that losing weight is about two "simple" things: (1) eating healthy and (2) exercise. Some people find it easy to do both at the same time. Some people manage to lose a ton of weight without doing a smidgeon of exercise.

For me, I find eating healthy to be way harder than exercising. In fact, exercising drives me to eat healthier. I also feel amazing bursts of energy, and my mood always improves.

So in tackling this journey again, I'm going to do things very differently than I have in the past. I'm going to start with exercise, and only exercise. I'm not going to focus on my eating or water or vitamins. I mean, all of those things are really important, don't get me wrong. I just need to start somewhere, and I think the best pick is exercise.

I started to think about how many times a week I should exercise. Is three a reasonable number? Is five too much? How is this all going to work? And then it hit me. I'm in this for the long haul. Even after I lose my excess weight, exercise is going to be a huge part of my life. So I'd better start building a really positive relationship with it, right? I've decided that I'm going to exercise every day. I know it sounds like overkill, but hear me out.

If I decide to exercise only three times a week, it's easy to lose momentum in between. It's easy to "reschedule" a missed date to another time. And then if I miss two dates in a row, I'm at risk of throwing the whole week out the window. I'm also not talking about running a 1/2 marathon every day of the week! I'm talking about some form of activity. Whether I go to a spinning class, or for a long walk, it doesn't matter. Something will happen every.single.day. Consistency will be key to this, so I'm even going to stick to the same time each day.

And that's it. I'm not going to beat myself up over eating right now. The right habits will form in the fullness of time, especially after I start seeing results. I need to start with one task at a time.

How am I feeling after two days of this? So, so, so fantastic. I didn't think that I'd feel this good so soon. Mentally, I'm so much more committed to this because I know that exercising is just a part of my day. And it's kind of exciting to choose a different activity every night.

What did I say at the top of this blog entry about this whole journey being about two "simple" things? Ha. Simple is such a LOADED word!

There's only one direction to travel after you've hit rock bottom

2010-03-16T10:47:00.004-04:00

For the last several days, I've been miserable in my body, wondering why I can't get my act together, and living in denial-land.

Last weekend, when that stranger asked when I was due, I was mortified. I mean, a small part of me denied that I could still look pregnant. And in a way, this woman "outed" me. (As a side note, I still think it's terribly rude to make assumptions about anyone being pregnant because you just never know. But maybe that's just me).

The week before that, my mother wrote me an e-mail. It was odd, because we talk a few times a week. Her letter to me was about how concerned she was about my burgeoning weight, that my health was suffering, and that I really needed to do something about it. It must have been hard for her to say all of those things. But if someone is going to be that honest with you, it'll be your mother. My eyes welled up with tears when I read it, but I was at work. I "filed" it away in my mind and went back into denial-land.

I guess everything has been building inside me, which is why I turned back to this blog and started to reflect on all the reasons to finally lose this weight.

A couple of nights ago, I was putting some dishes away in the kitchen. My husband asked me about something. And out of nowhere (and I mean, nowhere) I burst into tears. It took a few minutes before I could gather myself and figure out how to articulate what had just happened. I felt embarassed, overwhelmed, and frightened.

I told him about the incident at the mall. I told him about the e-mail. I told him about how I've been feeling. And as embarassing as it was, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

Change is never easy for me. And in the last couple of months, I've been going through a big transition with my return to work. Things really are starting to settle down again, and I'm starting to look to the future, as opposed to focussing on each day.

I feel really liberated now. I don't feel ashamed, or guilty. I'm ready to put one foot ahead of the other again, and fight the fight. I went to spinning class last night, and I worked really hard. My entire attitude was different. I'm looking forward to exercising again tonight.

I'm not worried about my eating right now, because I'm taking this one step at a time. A positive change each day, slow and steady.

I finally feel like I'm back in this game, heart and soul. So here's to being healthy today, tomorrow, and forever!

Reasons, reasons, reasons

2010-03-14T19:17:00.003-04:00

It has been a tough slog lately, in terms of how I'm feeling about myself. As I've let my health slip to the end of the priority list yet again, it's hard not to feel kind of hopeless about this whole weight loss thing. There were a couple of days recently where I thought to myself, 'I'm just not meant to lose weight. I'll just stay fat for the rest of my life!'. The other voice in my head cautioned, 'Don't you dare give up! You don't have a choice'. But what it all boils down to, is wanting to do this. Clearly, my desire sparks up for awhile, and then wanes quickly.

My biggest challenge this time around will be sustain my motivation. I need to keep my eye on the prize. Because being this fat for the rest of my life is not an option.

So please bear with me as I make my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight. In no particular order. It's a laundry list, but I want to come back here when the craving for chocolate over-powers me. I want to come back here during weeks where I've tried really hard, but the scale doesn't budge and I want to throw in the towel. But most of all, I'll come back here at the end of my journey and read this ENTIRE list again.

Phew. Here goes nothing.

I don't want to look like I'm still pregnant. After two kids, my stomach sags and bulges. Mortifying moment yesterday at the mall: a random person saw me walking by, and shouted out, "when are you due?". I wanted to crawl into the ground and die. It still hurts like hell to think about it.
I don't want to hide behind baggy clothes anymore. I don't want to have to stand in front of my closet each morning, and think, "what will hide my body the best?". One day, I want to ask myself: "Which top will show off my neckline, my waist, my collarbones the best?".
I don't want to to turn to food like it's my therapy. Those size-2 girls in the movies that drown their sorrows in Ben & Jerry's after a bad break-up are just make believe. I want to turn to exercise, to my friends, to my husband.
I want to run in a marathon one day. I'm a runner, trapped in a fat girl's body. My ultimate goal is to break free, and the chains will fall off one last time when I cross that finish line.
I want to chase after my kids like nobody's business. I want to lift them over my head, give them piggy-back rides, and dance with them for hours. I don't want to feel tired or sad, because I can't play. These are their most precious years.
I want to live a healthy life, and live until I'm 100! I'm sure that I've already shaved years off my life with this extra weight (scary thought). It's time to change.
I want to get a holistic nutritionist designation. Funny as it sounds, I think I'd be good at counseling others when it comes to healthy eating. I need to get my own house in order first.
I want to be one of those people that has a penchant for cute clothes just because I can.
I want to be happy with every photo I see of myself. I don't want to cringe inside.
I want to be proud of my body. I want my family to be proud of me.
I want to be the person that people ask, "How do you stay so fit and healthy?". I want to beam with pride.
I want to be in control when it comes to food. I don't want to be its slave anymore.
I want my children to learn from my example. I want them to run races with me when they're young. I want to run races with them when I'm old.
I want to feel happy in my skin again. I'd love to run my hands along my hips, and feel muscle and strength. I want to feel limber. I want to feel sexy.
Fifteen reasons already! I feel like I could go on and on forever, so here's the last one: I want to lose weight because right now, it's in my control to do it. I don't want to wait until I get diagnosed with an illness. I don't want to wait until my knees give out. I want to do this on my terms.

So, that's it. Maybe you can relate to at least one of those. But right now, I think it's the best gift that I could ever give myself. I've climbed up this hill so many times before. But someone once said, 'if at first you don't succeed, try try again', right? So here's to trying. And succeeding.

Blogging: my salvation

2010-03-12T22:23:00.002-05:00

I've missed writing here. In fact, there's a huge correlation between my blogging here, and staying on track in terms of my weight loss journey. You can guess how things have been going by my recent absence!

No excuses, I'm just going to spill it: I've let myself go.

I feel grumpy and unattractive. My energy is at an all-time low. I crave sugar all the time. I'm out of breath climbing a short flight of stairs. My pants feel snug.

What have I been doing to myself for the last two months? Starting back at work has been really hard on me. My little guy has been constantly sick. Work is really demanding. I eat and eat and eat when I'm stressed.

Every night, I tell myself that "tomorrow" I'll try harder. But my resolve is so weak. I've been waiting for a big "ah-ha" moment, where it suddenly dawns on me as to what I need to do. It hasn't come.

Losing weight is NOT hard. I need to move more, and eat less. That's it. But it is my biggest struggle! Always has been, and I suppose it always will be.

I have gained 8lbs since I started back at work. I know it doesn't feel like a huge number or anything, but why does it feel like I'm carrying an extra ton of weight on my body?

There's only one way to tackle this. And that's back to basics. One healthy habit at a time. I can't wake up tomorrow and be "perfect". It took me several long weeks to let old habits come back, and it's going to take several more weeks to develop good ones again.

This week's focus: exercise. Yes, that means I can still eat chocolate. I can still get 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I don't have to guzzle 10 gallons of water a day. I can't do it all at once. I'm just going to focus on exercising this week. Three times.

I can do that. In fact, I just signed up for a date with an old friend of mine tomorrow morning. Yes, you guessed it: my spinning bike at the gym. Here I come again.

Life transitions

2010-02-13T23:12:00.002-05:00

Big changes in my life back then:

starting a new semester in school;
moving apartments;
a new roommate;
switching my major in university
moving away from home for the first time

Big changes in my life now:

Getting married;
Buying my first place;
Having a baby;
Changing jobs;
Having another baby;
Going back to work.

Common theme, regardless of my age: I don't deal with transitions very well at all.

The last few weeks have been hard. Going back to work, taking care of two small kids, managing a household, and trying to find time to bloody breathe in between.

Hey, listen. Some people handle his "big life changes" stuff really well. Me, I stress for awhile until I manage to surface from it all. While I don't necessarily eat my face off, I kind of stop caring altogether. It's not good.

I probably should have known myself better before I signed up for a big weight loss challenge at the same time I was about to embark on such a big change. But I wanted to give myself the chance to try before automatically assuming that I'd fail.

Right, so what am I trying to say here?

I'm back, baby. No promises about how this is the "last" time I'm going to gain weight. No affirmations about how this will be the "challenges of all challenges". No guarantees. But I will say, that I'm ready to lace up my shoes and try again.

Let's see how far we get this time, shall we?

Still here - head is spinning!

2010-01-14T23:16:00.002-05:00

I started back at work a couple of days ago, and boy, is it a huge change. Ten months of maternity leave was amazing: I enjoyed every single second. But it's SO great to be back at work. I'm really feeling like I'm in my element.

The challenge is trying to manage all the other aspects of my life! It is not easy. It has only been two days, so I'm not going to assume the worst, but I never thought that working, managing a household, and taking care of two little kids could be so hard.

Things on the eating front are excellent. Frankly, I haven't had time to eat poorly! I pack my lunch, take it to work, and that's all I eat. I absolutely crave chocolate in the afternoon but if it means having to pick up my wallet to go and buy some, I can't be bothered! This is definitely a change from when I was at home, and I just needed to open a cupboard in the kitchen.

The one thing that I am completely worried about is finding time to exercise. Saturdays and Sundays: no problem. But I'm up at 6am everyday, and it's non-stop until I leave for work (7:30am): getting the kids ready, breakfasts, etc. I get home around 5:30pm, and then it's non-stop again with dinner, baths, etc. until 8:30pm. I know, it seems weird that it takes three hours to get that stuff done. But trust me - the time seems to go by in the blink of an eye. After 8:30pm, it's doing the dishes, ironing clothes for the next day, packing lunches, and doing some general tidying. When, oh when, do I squeeze exercise into this? Help!

The other huge motivation for losing this weight is feeling better in my work clothes. I feel good, but it would feel a lot better if I didn't feel the urge to suck my gut in all the time. Come summer, I will be wearing some cute stuff!

So that's all from me. I'll get back into the regular groove of blogging soon. Next up: weigh in on Saturday.

Soda cracker and apple juice diet

2010-01-12T09:04:00.003-05:00

Yes, that's what I'll be consuming for at least another 24 hours.

Predictably, I seem to have come down with the stomach virus that was floating around in my household over the weekend.

I tend to crave comfort foods when I am sick. When I am alone at home and sick, I also feel sorry for myself (another trigger for bad eating!).

But today, thankfully, I have no appetite. And I'm glad for the quiet house so that I can crawl under my covers and get some rest.

I absolutely LOVED the fake loss on the scale this morning. Yes, I'm crazy for weighing myself during sickness. But it's SO fun to see the numbers going down. I know that I'll regain when I'm better, but a girl can have a bit of fun, right?

Despite my physical weakness right now, I have never felt more strong emotionally. In my mind, I am focused and determined. I'm not feeling like "blowing" the rest of the week because I'm sick. I'm not throwing the challenge out the window because I can't exercise for a couple of days. I am taking one day at a time, and will do my best. Each minute, each hour, each day - until I get there.

So here's to not getting tired of saltine crackers (at least they're low-cal!), and setting a goal of making it to spinning class again by Friday.

Keep your eye on the prize

2010-01-11T10:04:00.004-05:00

This weekend, both of my kids came down with a horrible stomach flu. It was stressful, to say the least: I've been brushed off my feet looking after everyone. Obviously, I put myself last in these situations when it comes to taking care of myself.

I'm pleased to report that I stayed focused all weekend. Part of it was being so busy with the kids. But when it was my turn to eat, I didn't just throw the cupboards open in exhaustion and decide to eat chocolate for lunch. I made the healthiest choices possible that were quick and nourishing. Despite my stress level (which is a big trigger for me when it comes to unhealthy eating), I kept focused and strong.

I even made it to spinning class on Saturday morning (this was before my house turned into sick central), and it was a great way to set the tone for the rest of the weekend.

So all of this to say: if you want something badly enough, you'll tailor every situation to make sure that you stay on plan. Regardless of stress levels, being on vacation, eating at a restaurant, etc. If you truly want to, you'll make the healthiest choices possible in all of these situations without making excuses. We can't stop living life to lose weight. It's possible to actually have both.

Big non-scale victory for me this weekend: zero junk food. I kind of already felt like a supermom looking after the kids, but my little victory made me feel a little more superb.

Now, let's hope for healthy children so that we can all get back to normal very soon. Oh, and I'm not feeling like a million bucks either - fingers crossed that I can avoid catching the virus!

Here's to an awesome, awesome, awesome week ahead with dozens of good choices.

Six months to a better me

2010-01-09T09:17:00.003-05:00

That's the name of the challenge.

It's not going to be easy. I'm a mom of two little ones. I am heading back to work, after my maternity leave. Lots of change ahead. But you know what? There's no "perfect" time in life to give something your all. It just has to happen with the right planning and determination.

I weighed in, took my measurements, and I'm all ready to go.

My goal is to run a 10K this year. I'm going to sign up for another 5K in the late Spring, and hopefully build up to a 10K a few months later. So excited!

In fact, there is a spinning class in 30 minutes which I should get ready for ASAP!

Six months, and a whole new world will be ahead of me. Yay!

Finally, a fire in my belly

2010-01-08T10:34:00.003-05:00

So January 1st came and went. Normally, I feel all revved up for the New Year. While I was excited about ushering in 2010, I wasn't feeling that much different about January 1st. It really just felt like another day along my journey. I didn't feel like faking a sudden and "new" sense of resolve along with the rest of the world.

But this past week, something just clicked for me. After several weeks of feeling like a sloth, I had an "enough is enough" moment. I'm not comfortable in my skin. I don't feel energized. I'm not working towards my goals.

But mostly, dammit, I don't want to end 2010 being obese. Plain and Simple.

I am tired of struggling with my weight. I'm tired of starting over and over again. I'm tired of not believing in myself.

So, this is where I'm at: if I can't make a commitment to do this for myself this year, it's never going to happen. Because honestly? I refuse to get off my arse only because a doctor suddenly diagnoses me with high blood pressure, diabetes, or heart disease. I want this to be on my terms.

I'm not sure what it's going to take emotionally, because that is really the root cause of my compulsion to eat. But that's where I'm going to start. I'm going to start writing here more, and will start to change my eating behaviour by addressing my feelings, instead of ravaging the cupboards.

Tomorrow, January 9th, I am starting a new challenge. I'm not joining to win anything (although that'd be a nice side benefit!). I am joining for myself. I am competing against myself. And in six months time, I will see a totally different person staring back at me in the mirror.

I've been here before. Starting challenges, filled with hope and resolve. Sometimes my enthusiasm has seen the loss of ten pounds. Sometimes, I've stopped after a few days.

But I'm done with false starts. This time, I'm going to prevail.

Finally, I see what all the "2010" fuss is about. I'm about to start this next decade being the most fit I've ever been.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

2010-01-05T13:54:00.003-05:00

One thing I've realized on this weight loss journey of mine, is that I spend a lot of time lamenting about stuff I shouldn't have done.

Like, the chocolate shortbread cookies I devoured from Trader Joe's. Or the burrito bowl I ate for dinner last week. Or polishing off the last of the Christmas chocolates.

The guilt from poor performance is horrible. Because you know what? It perpetuates more guilt. And then some more. And then that makes me say, "Screw this! I'm wallowing in guilt! Let me drown my spirits in more chocolate". Hence, the vicious cycle.

Lately, I am truly learning that the whole day doesn't have to go out the window because of one small indulgence. It's possible to course correct. It's possible to rebound from the "oops". And move on.

Instead of wasting my effort wallowing in self pity and guilt, I'm going to turn that energy into something positive. I will find a way to compensate for my slip-ups so that they don't take over and pack on the pounds. I will focus on working out for longer, or harder. I will concentrate on making up for it with a lighter meal. Because I'm in this for the long haul, and you know what? This is exactly the protocol that people who are of a "healthy weight" follow!

I'm still struggling after the holidays. January 1st isn't a light switch that just flicks on. Getting back on track is a work in progress. Which will make me think twice (thrice?) about veering off path again, believe me.

Nonetheless, I'm getting there, one day at a time. And I'm not wasting anymore energy on what I should have done, could have done, or would have done. Instead, I'm going to focus on what I will do to become healthy and strong.

Best and Worst way to start the New Year off....

2010-01-01T13:24:00.003-05:00

Let's start of with the worst, shall we?

I hopped on the scale after three weeks of denial, a holiday eating extravaganza, and an eating tour of NYC. It was not pretty. I am up almost 6lbs. I mean, what did I expect? Still, it hurt my eyes quite a bit.

The best?

I actually went to a New Year's Day spinning class this morning! It was really hard to get up and go, but I did it. What a great way to start off the day.

I'm not going to mope about the gained weight. I hold myself fully responsible. Now, I just need to work it off. I certainly know how to do that.

So, here's to a kinder scale by the end of this week. And, a sigh of relief that the holidays are over and that regularly scheduled programming can continue.

2010, here I come....

2009-12-31T16:03:00.003-05:00

I've always been big on New Year's resolutions and goals. It's a time for reflection and resolve: especially as a new decade falls upon us.

Somehow this year, I feel differently about making resolutions. I do have goals for myself. But being a bit of an over-achiever, I'm hesitant to make a long laundry list of resolutions that I'd love to keep only to have it be unrealistic. Without fail, I'll be disappointed if I fall short of my list.

So this year, I'm feeling a bit different about it all. My list is simple:

Laugh at least once a day;
Before I go to sleep each night, be thankful for everything in my life, instead of focusing on the things that I don't have;
Be brave enough to try something I haven't done: a new sport, a new food, or maybe attending an event to meet new people;
Learn to love myself, and the person I've become.

I've learned so much about myself as a person over these last few months. I think it has a lot to do with becoming a mom again. Whatever it is, I'm filled with determination and resolve. And adventure.

I would really like to celebrate the dawning of 2011 at my goal weight. But I've realized something: making a resolution like that is useless. It's the means to getting there that really counts. So that's what I'm going to work on. Being healthy, determined, focused, and adventurous. And laughing lots along the way.

It's finally time to make this happen, and this is going to be the year!

Here's to taking it one step at a time, slow and steady, until we reach the end.

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-16T15:40:00.002-05:00

There's so much around the corner for me right now: the holidays, my daughter's birthday, a mini-vacay, and preparations for returning to work after a ten-month long maternity leave.

I am trying to make sense of it all in my head without getting overwhelmed. More importantly, I'm trying not to eat my face off. For the most part, I'm proud to say that I'm holding my own on that front.

All this to say that I'm taking the next couple of weeks off blogging, facebook, and everything social media. I'm still going to check my e-mail and all that jazz (because I simply couldn't function otherwise), but I'm going to try and spend my time as productively as possible.

So, January holds a big life change for me. Back to a busy, busy, work schedule with two young kids. And a quest to become healthy. I'm so determined to succeed, and I'm going to plan ahead in my schedule so that I can keep up all the hard work I've been undertaking. I'll be blogging about my daily challenges on that front.

I'm not worried, though. I find that when I'm at work and I pack my own food, I tend to stick to my eating plan. That, and there isn't a cupboard in sight when I feel like grazing at three in the afternoon! So that's the good news.

A break from blogging in the next couple of weeks does not equal a break from eating healthy. I'm going to stick to a good diet, save for my two days of vacation later this month.

So, Happy Holidays to all of you! I'm so glad for the support that I receive here, and I can't wait to come back in January when all of us will be one step closer to our goals.

xo

Everyone has their vices

2009-12-14T11:14:00.002-05:00

My vice is food.

Duh, right? It's true. Different people struggle with different things in their lives, but I just can't seem to get down to business and lose weight. I mean, it's not hard at all for some people: get moving, eat less, and bing-bang-boom! The weight comes off. That's all it boils down to. But for those of us who struggle with this, it's so much more than that. Food overpowers us every single day. Decisions on what to eat, how much to eat, and what to avoid are overwhelming. And the guilt factor....oh, let's not even go there.

I take two steps forward and one step back. Which, if you do the math, is still a net movement forward. That's still progress, I suppose. But I need to stop taking the step backward, and perhaps I'll get to where I need to be that much sooner! It's frustrating.

My problem is, I've been all cavalier about the holidays. Thought I could resist every temptation put in front of me, because I'm so much better than food. Thought I could start off my birthday celebrations this month with one measly bite of cake. Thought I could tsk-tsk other people at holiday parties while they stuffed their faces with sweets. Thought I could avoid licking the baking spoon, laden with delicious batter. Whatever! I have failed miserably.

The redeeming thing about all of this, is that I am nowhere close to my bad habits of last year. It just feels like I'm rowing the boat in the wrong direction right now.

So, before I get sucked any deeper into this ridiculous holiday quicksand, I am turning this ship around immediately. The scale was not kind to me this morning. So, I'll respect its honesty (because it's down to my own actions after all), and will try to please it by the end of the week.

It'll be an uphill battle, folks: we're in the crux of holiday season. But if you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to do it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make an appointment to spin some calories off tonight.

Bringing out the worst in me

2009-12-10T13:48:00.003-05:00

Until recently in my life, I haven't realized the connection between the food I put in my mouth, and my overall disposition.

The last several months have been wonderful, and tough in many ways. I've been adjusting to a big change in life, and there are bound to be ups and downs. But recently, after I cut out almost all of the sugar in my diet, I noticed that my mood was tremendously better. My energy levels soared. My stress levels were totally manageable. And I've been generally happy. I didn't realize that it was partially attributed to my food intake until this past week.

After my birthday celebrations this weekend, I had a few sweets. Unfortunately, it sent me into a vicious cycle of wanting more sugar. I have been craving chocolate again, with a vengeance. I started to feel moody, and tired. I've woken up feeling hazy and exhausted. At first, I thought that it was attributed to the fact that I'm anxious because I'm returning to work after my maternity leave very soon. But last night, I realized that my food intake has been suboptimal (for my usual self!), and it's probably not helping matters. I had the worst headache I've had in a long time. It was miserable.

Food fuels our body. The body can't operate on pure sugar and salt. It needs healthy, nourishing food. And while a little treat every now and then is totally fine, binging on sugar can totally send my body into chaos-land. Simply put: sugar brings out the worst in me.

I know this sounds simple: what you put in your body is what you'll be able to get out, in terms of energy, mood, and quality of life. It's 100% true! I've lived it now.

So instead of scrounging through the cupboards for a "quick lunch" today, I decided to take an extra ten minutes and prepare something really delicious for myself.

I baked some sweet potato fries in the oven with a bit of olive oil. I made myself a little side salad on mixed greens with cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and pumpkin seeds. I grilled two veggie burgers. And I feel truly amazing and ready to take on the rest of the day.

Sugar, be gone. At least until I can handle you in small doses again.

Recognizing emotional eating

2009-12-08T09:09:00.008-05:00

Firstly, thanks for all of your lovely birthday wishes! I had such a wonderful day and weekend. Um, a bit too wonderful, I'm afraid (read on!). I find birthdays to be both lovely and overwhelming at the same time. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to get older. When I was in my mid-twenties, I didn't want to age: staying at the same age forever would have been fine by me! After I turned thirty, I started to feel anxious about getting older. But this was the first birthday where I felt totally zen about everything. It was nice.

I did go slightly overboard with my eating, though. I really can't put it in any other way. Was it as bad as previous birthdays? Absolutely not. But it wasn't stellar by any means, and I'm not proud. I was presented with a plethora of treats: one bite lead to another, and the pandora's box of sugar was opened wide for the rest of the weekend.

On Sunday morning, I hit up my spinning class to burn off some calories. Again, this is new for me! I would have written off the entire weekend in the past. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to force me back on track. My body was still craving sugar for the rest of the day - I tried to wean myself off as much as possible.

Yesterday, I had an overwhelming day which didn't help things. I'm going back to work really soon, and I think it's weighing heavily on my heart. With the holidays around the corner and everything else, there is a lot going on in my head. I didn't exactly eat my face off, but I didn't make a huge effort to try either.

December has always been a tough eating month for me. Birthday celebrations happen at the beginning of the month. By the time I recover from that, the holiday celebrations are in full swing. Before you know it, I'm thinking about New Year's resolutions and working off the weight. By that point, January is a cold and blustery month and it's hard to commit to exercising all the time. The vicious cycle continues.

This December is going to be different. I woke up this morning, and decided to get in control as quickly as possible. I've got two things going on here: firstly, emotional eating; I'm overwhelmed by a lot going on right now. Secondly, once my body gets hooked on sugar, I begin to physically crave more and more.

I've never dissected why I eat before. On some level, I know that it's emotional. But for the most part, I ignore it. This time around, I'm going to figure it out by addressing the root cause. Otherwise, I'll never get past it.

So that's it! I'm back in action starting today. I'm going to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more positive way: starting to mentally prepare for work, talking it out with my friends and family, and buying myself some new make-up and a few wardrobe pieces.

Eating is NOT the solution. But spinning might be. Tee hee.

34 Blessings, one for each year

2009-12-04T09:21:00.004-05:00

Today, I am another year older.

Sure, I wish I was thinner. I wish I was stronger. I wish that I still wasn't getting zits at my age.

But instead, I am going to count my blessings for each year that I've been alive. I am going to be grateful for the things in my life that I have, and the things that I can still change. And I'm especially thankful for the love of my family.

Most of all, I'm not going to worry about enjoying a piece of birthday cake today because it's "not on plan". I am going to savour each bite, and celebrate another year of being alive today. Because if we can't enjoy special occasions, we can't enjoy anything, right?

With that, I am off to enjoy the day with my family. And count some more blessings.

Who's that girl?

2009-12-02T09:54:00.004-05:00

Who's that girl?:

who wakes up in the morning, and hopes that there's a spinning class that day;
who sees herself in the mirror while she's working out, and no longer feels disdain for her body; who sees a woman that's becoming strong and healthy;
who beams with pride when she tells her daughter she's going to the gym, knowing that she's establishing a healthy example;
who isn't afraid to try new physical activities: like running a 5K, spinning, salsa dancing, or hip-hop dancing. (Well, maybe still a bit afraid to try kama aerobics, but trying to get over it);
who, last night, declared that she had to have a treat. Whose husband gave her with a questioning look, like she was going to rip open a bag of Doritos. Who opened the fridge, and found a sinful looking vanilla yogurt with muesli, and ate it like she was devouring a box of chocolate truffles;
who turned down the opportunity to buy a brand new, gorgeous, ipod shuffle because it isn't practical for exercising, but opted for a refurbished older model so that she can go running with it in the Spring;
who might not faint from fear if there are no bikes left at the back of the spinning class, and who might not be embarrassed to take a bike in the front row;
who wakes up in the morning, with excitement for the day ahead;
who is determined to get healthy like she never has been before.

That's me. And pretty darn proud of it.

I'm SO ready for this week!

2009-11-30T08:25:00.007-05:00

Give me an "M"! Give me an "O"! Give me an "N"! Okay, I won't go that far, because Mondays are tough days. BUT, it's the start of a new week! New month! And that's something to be really excited about, right?

The scaled moved a wee bit for me. Not as much as I would have liked, but I think it was a fair assessment of the week I had. On this journey, it's not enough to want the scale to move: you really need to put in the effort to see the payoff. I'm not even going to make excuses; it was a crazy week and that's that.

I'm so close to 15lbs. This week, I'd like to be almost there. So that's my goal.

A couple of things that I'm feeling anxious / excited about:

(1) I have a birthday coming up on Friday. I need to create a serious calorie deficit if I want to enjoy a bit of cake. And a drink or two.

(2) I'm returning to work in six weeks! I have really mixed feelings about my maternity leave being over so soon. I've had almost a year, which is more than a lot of people have in other countries (except for the lucky Europeans!). But I'm going to miss my little man like crazy. At least I'm going back to work, knowing that my pre-pregnancy wardrobe will fit me!

So that's all. My fridge is stocked with delicious and healthy food. Spinning three times this week. And a big smile that's ready to grace this week to come. Let's make those pants a little looser!

The glow!

2009-11-28T19:37:00.003-05:00

People are paying me random compliments! Some have asked if I've lost weight, some tell me that I look really good. Today, someone said that they couldn't put my finger on it, but something looked "different" about me.

I haven't lost that much weight. But I am in love with everything that I'm eating, and the exercise feels fabulous. It's amazing that I'm already getting compliments. I didn't really expect this for another 20lbs or so!

I can see a difference in my skin. I feel a difference in my clothes. A smile graces my face so often now.

If this is what happens after a few weeks, I can't wait to see what a few months will do. Bring it on.

Odds and Ends

2009-11-27T13:41:00.003-05:00

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, in terms of being busy and having a bunch of mishaps that included: a bumpy day with the in-laws, a car that broke down while I was with the babe, and continuously rainy weather which made it difficult to get some air.

Still, I managed to persevere without eating my face off; which is a refreshing change from my usual behaviour when I'm a bit stressed.

I am definitely changing my habits, which is so great. When my car broke down earlier this week, the first thought that popped into my head was, 'Oh no! I have to miss spinning class tonight!". Heh, I am really warped.

I've also been super busy, and meal planning has been a little ad hoc, at best. But I managed to throw the following meals together by scrounging in the fridge:

Lunch yesterday: fresh pumpernickel bread smeared with avocado, a healthy dollop of roasted onion and garlic hummus, and a cup (er so) of leftover spaghetti squash with a few chick-peas, zucchini, and red peppers. It was super filling and yummy.

Dinner last night: Almost had to get take-out, but I stood my ground and continued to stare deeply into the fridge with hope. Threw together some whole-wheat wraps filled with roasted garlic hummus, avocado, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers. And then I managed to scrounge up a couple of sweet potatoes - I sliced them long, and tossed them into the oven for some roasting. Behold: wraps and baked fries! My hubby commented again on the meal this morning, so I know it was a hit!

Lunch today: So this was tough. Fridge was empty. I managed to scrape off the last of the avocado, and smear it onto some pumpernickel. I found two lonely veggie burgers at the back of our freezer, and threw them onto a pan. Sliced up some sad looking veggies in the fridge: cukes, red peppers, and tomatoes. Voila! Lunch in pinch.

We are now in serious need of groceries!

Hopped on the scale this morning for fun. Holding steady from last week. Not gonna lie - I'm a bit bummed out. My water intake has been pathetic over the last couple of days, so I'm going to brush up on a few things and weigh in again Sunday morning. Fingers crossed, I'll get the scale to move a little so that I can call this week a loss. Will report back!

Looking forward to conquering this weekend!

How to make a SERIOUS turnaround

2009-11-24T22:46:00.002-05:00

So. Here's how the evening went, after my especially craptastic day:

I get a serious urge to eat my face off. I fight it for awhile. I realize that I'm actually hungry because my lunch was lacking in protein. I have a headache, and I can't think about anything but chocolate. I need sustenance, but I don't have the energy to make anything.

So, my father-in-law made my family a homemade pizza from scratch. He packed it up for us. It was in a bag on the counter. I ripped it open and had a piece. Bad? Yes. But here are its redeeming qualities: (1) it was on a whole wheat crust, (2) it was vegetarian, (3) homemade, so no sugary sauce or other stuff. Oh, and (4) I wanted to eat the ENTIRE pizza, but restrained myself to one piece.

All in all, a piece of pizza for a binge isn't the end of the world.

AND THEN, the entire evening did a 180.

My husband comes home and tells me that we have a date night. His brother is coming over to watch the kids. I was thrilled, and disinterested at the same time (at this point, I felt like retiring to bed at 8pm!). Here's how it all plays out:

- He asks me where I want to go. I think about my favourite bar/restaurant with amazing french fries and nachos. He is in favour too.
- I think about how awful I would feel after eating that meal. How guilty I'd feel. So I suggest a vegetarian restaurant that we haven't been to in ages. It is super, super, super healthy.
- It's not close to our place. But since I'm on roll, I suggest that we walk. 3.5km walk each way. It was perfect, crisp, autumn weather. We did a lot of good talking. (Well, I vented about his parents the whole way there, but he owed me).

And then, this is what we ate. I wish I had my camera:

Starter:

Rainbow Kale and Walnut Salad
This hearty salad is filled with kale, beets, carrots, mixed seeds, raisins, walnuts, sundried tomatoes, and tossed in a creamy dill tahini dressing.

Best salad I've ever eaten. Hand's down. I'm not even a fan of raisins in my food.

Mains (shared):

The Trainers Bowl
This protein packed bowl is filled with grilled tofu, grilled tempeh, choice of black bean hummus or raw hummus, steamed vegetables, alfalfa sprouts and sprouted seeds. Topped with a tahini dill dressing. Sure to satisfy the true athlete in you. On quinoa.

The Manwich
This Reuben influenced sandwich topped with marinated tofu steaks, avocado, probiotic sauerkraut and our special Reuben sauce is served on a sprouted Ezekiel bun. Even he will eat it!

Out.of.this.world. We were totally stuffed.

So, here's the icing on the cake (pardon the pun!): Dessert at this place is pretty phenomenal. It's made with raw ingredients and natural sweeteners. We always have dessert when we go out for dinner. Today, I was feeling so satisfied, I said no. NO thank you! It was freaking amazing to decline dessert.

So then, I walked my little legs another 3.5kms home, feeling pretty darned proud of myself.

All in all, a pretty amazing turnaround for me. I was planning to mope in my pajamas with a pint of ice-cream. Instead, I walked 7km, had a seriously nourishing meal, and got a bit of time in with my favourite guy.

Now, today's caloric intake wasn't great. It wasn't a "lose" kind of day, but I don't think it was a "gain" sort of day either. I came pretty close to letting it all slip through my fingers. But I held it together.

So there. Tomorrow, the battle continues. But with each ounce of willpower that I'm able to demonstrate, my outlook on things is getting stronger, and more positive. I haven't felt this full of conviction in ages. On that note, I am off to bed with dreams of rainbow kale and walnuts on the horizon.

SOS

2009-11-24T17:27:00.002-05:00

Cryptic message:

I just spent all day with my in-laws. They are nice people, but drove me totally around the bend today. TOTALLY.

My kids acted up the whole time. They are wired on sugar because my in-laws insist on feeding them junk. I drove for over an hour to get there, and then got stuck in horrible traffic on the way home, and it took two hours to get home. Even though I told my in-laws I should leave by a certain time, they took their sweet time saying goodbye and getting things ready. Two screaming children in the backseat of the car.

I had vegetarian dim sum for lunch. I didn't make the worst choices, but could have made better ones.

I just got home. I want to stress eat. Really badly. I will try my hardest not to.

Full stop.

Weekend Recap

2009-11-23T13:58:00.002-05:00

I had a really fantastic weekend, eating wise. I was in control, and didn't feel the need to go all crazy with my eating. It wasn't easy, though: when my "routine" is thrown off on the weekends, it's easy for all hell to break loose with the diet. This time though, I kept tight reigns on the calories.

For lunch on Saturday, we had grilled veggie burgers, roasted parsnips / sweet potatoes, and steamed kale. I probably had a few too many sweet potatoes, but figured that I've committed worse crimes during past weekends. Still, the guilt factor was tremendous. I'm learning to let go of my "perfection or nothing" attitude.

Dinner on Saturday was a bit tricky. My brother was hosting a little housewarming at his new place. He ordered in Indian take-out from our favourite restaurant. The smell of warm curry was wafting through his entire apartment. I had two potato patties for an appetizer (they were fairly large). For dinner, I had 1/2 a piece of naan bread, and 1 tablespoon each of some different curries. I enjoyed each bite, and then washed my plate immediately and put it in the dishwasher. My entire family was looking at me like, "is that all you're having?". And I was all, yes, I'm SO done with dinner. It was so great to feel in control without depriving myself!

I am especially proud of the following: I baked a dozen DELICIOUS chocolate chip cookies in the afternoon to take over to my brother's place. My hubby stole two as they came out of the oven. I had a small bite of one. The rest went into a tin to take over for dinner. I enjoyed baking them but didn't eat a single one.

I tried to reduce my calories on Sunday to compensate for Saturday. Shocking, I know. This is all so new to me! Lunch was a delicious broccoli / orange pepper / cashew stirfry with grilled tofu on soba noodles with sriracha sauce. So delicious and healthy. Worth all the effort in the kitchen, without a doubt.

I have been dabbling with the wii fit for the last few weeks. Honestly? I really like it. It's a nice, quick workout when I'm in between chores. Or when I'm waiting for something to finish baking in the oven. It's also a nice way to precede dinner on most nights. Last night, I decided to try "high" intensity (I've been using "medium). Holy workout, batman! I burned 300 calories in 30 minutes!

Last, (but not least!), I had a massage appointment yesterday morning. My massage therapist asks me about five minutes into the session, "Have you lost weight?". If I hadn't been half naked, I would have lept off the table and hugged her to pieces!

I'm motivated this time around. That's not to say that I'm not struggling. Because right at this moment, I would give my right arm for a piece of chocolate. But I want to do this from the bottom of my heart right now. I love how I feel when I'm in control. I'm going to hit a brick wall at some point on this journey, so I'm going to capitalize on the momentum right now.

Spinning tonight. Never thought that I'd be so excited to huff and puff, while shifting uncomfortably on a hard bike seat, and feeling like my legs are on fire. But I can't wait to go. Will wonders never cease?

Here's to a good, strong, and healthy week ahead.

Progress, at last

2009-11-21T12:15:00.005-05:00

I lost four big ones last week. I'm more relieved than happy, to be honest. It's nice to know that effort = reward (well, most of the time anyway).

I feel like I'm in a groove, but I'm not bringing out the marching band just yet. Late last summer when I dropped 10lbs, I managed to get stuck there for quite awhile. So before there's cause for real celebration, I'd like to see a few consecutive losses.

I worked hard for it this week, that's for sure. This was great motivation heading into a weekend!

And a little anecdote before I sign off:

I was getting ready for spinning class last night at home, and my energy levels were a bit low. My daughter came into my room and asked me where I was going. When I told her, she left the room for a few minutes and then came back. She handed me her favourite princess domino, and said, "This is for you mommy! Please keep it safe in your pocket at the gym so that you can remember me when you are there." I happily obliged. During class, when I didn't feel like I could give anymore, my fingers grazed my pocket and I thought about my sweet little girl. And I pushed myself that much further. Of course, she reclaimed her favourite domino as soon as I walked in the door, but I told her how much I appreciated her little good luck charm.

So, here's to taking one day at a time again for the next week. I can do this. I will do this. Knocking those pounds away - one domino at a time!

Energy: the greatest drug of all

2009-11-20T08:59:00.003-05:00

I was home with both kids and it was pouring rain outside. Recipe for chaos. It was a crazy-busy day, to say the least. Lots of averting disasters. Lots of mopping up spills. But mostly, lots of laughing and cuddles.

Normally, when I'm surrounded by a ton of mess, noise, and chaos, I stress eat. I'm constantly grazing in the kitchen, and there's never any mindfulness as to what I put in my mouth. It's just the way I deal with stress, I suppose.

Yesterday, I didn't veer off track with my eating. Not once! Even though it took awhile to get the kids down for their naps in the afternoon, I resisted the temptation to consume a handful of goldfish crackers for lunch. I was starving, but I took the extra ten minutes to chop up a delicious green salad with red peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, and chickpeas. I remembered that I bought a delicious rye loaf from this awesome bakery yesterday. So I had some mashed avocado on a slice of it. I nourished my body with healthy food and it made such a difference!

This week has been really, really, really great. I've been active, eating really well, and my energy levels are soaring. Like, I can practically feel the energy reverberating from my body. Yesterday, I was "go go go" and it felt amazing. When I'm not taking care of my body, I feel sluggish and lazy. If only I could bottle some of this energy and conserve it! If only I could remember what an incredible feeling this is, the next time I feel like giving up. Perhaps I'll come back and read this blog post instead.

So. I know I need to stand on the scale. But I'm really loathe to do it! I'm worried that if the number disappoints me, I won't feel my efforts the way I do now. I don't want to be resentful of my body. Right now, I'm doing great and I want to enjoy it. My body feels so different after a few days of doing consistently well. Isn't that measure enough?

I haven't decided what I'm going to do, but I will probably weigh in at some point in the next couple of days. I'll give myself a huge pep talk beforehand to avoid any disappointment. I mean, I should see results from my work but we all know how fickle the scale can be.

Anyway, I'm going to go and enjoy some more of this energy before it dissipates from Friday fatigue. I honestly feel like I could run a marathon right now (if only my body was capable)! I feel like a fog has been lifted from around me. More spinning tonight (can you tell that I love it?), and a healthy weekend ahead.

Energy is a drug that I am quickly becoming addicted to. Who would have thought? Good thing I'm my own dealer.

Where to draw the line?

2009-11-18T09:46:00.003-05:00

So I've been really adventurous this year, in trying new physical activities. I signed up for mom & baby classes when my little guy was, er, littler. We tried booty hop (hip-hop style dancing) together. We even did salsa dancing together. It was a fun way to stay active.

Then, I took up running (after a long time), in pursuit of the 5K race that I signed up for. Now, I've got a fire in my belly for Spring to arrive so that I can start training for another one. I've even got my eye on an 8K early next year.

Most recently, I tried my hand at spinning. It's hard work. My muscles cry out in pain. People are super fit in my class (waaaaay fitter than me). But for some reason, I love this form of torture! I've only been a few times now, but I challenge myself a little more each time. It feels like the sky is the limit, in terms of new heights I can reach. I can't wait to keep going!

My schedule is a bit wonky, because I'm a mom of two little ones. It's much easier for me to exercise in the evenings than during the day right now.

So, I paused for a moment when this popped up in my inbox:

Unleash your inner vixen with KAMA AEROBICS, a sultry new workout program designed to get your libido and heart racing

Join our fitness expert, trained dancer and former Miss Canada contestant, to introduce KAMA AEROBICS™, a sexy new workout program that combines yoga, striptease aerobics and dance.

The first KAMA AEROBICS™ class will be held tomorrow night at 8pm

I immediately discounted this. I'm a bit of a conservative girl, you see. The words, "kama", "sexy", and "striptease" made me blush profusely. If I was nervous to try spinning, how could I not be nervous to show up to a class like this?

The only thing that keeps nagging me, is that the class time is perfect. 8pm is guilt-free time for me, after both kids have gone to sleep. It's also a nice break from spinning in the middle of the week.

So, I'm on the fence. Well, I'm more leaning towards hiding under my covers at the thought of walking into this class! But is it worth trying, for the experience? I mean, if anything, it could be a good laugh! I don't have to go back if I don't like it - it's not like I'm committing to a bunch of classes or anything.

Still, maybe this is where I draw the line when it comes to new exercise experiences. Gosh! What would you do?

*

"One Step at a time" has been working well for me the last couple of days. It hasn't been easy, and I've had moments of weakness. But I've been doing well. If truth be told, I am exhausted! I gave Spinning class everything I had on Monday night. Last night, I did some "recovery" exercises. My eyes are welded shut the second my head hits the pillow at night. It's an awesome feeling.

It's gotta be one step at a time

2009-11-16T08:54:00.002-05:00

Seeing as I'm a bit of a planner, I like to get ahead of myself. A lot. Sometimes I look ahead a bit too far, planning into the distant future as to what things will be like. But we all know that life throws curve balls our way, and it's possible to predict what will happen.

This is true when it comes to achieving goals, too. I like to think about how much weight I'll have lost in three weeks, six weeks, two months, etc. While it's motivating, it's not entirely helpful. Because inside, I think it has been overwhelming me. When I think about how much weight I need to lose overall, it starts to feel a bit impossible.

When I hiked the Inca Trail in Peru a few years ago, I remember it being one of the hardest physical challenges that I had ever undertaken. Four days of hiking mountains in really high altitude. I was probably about 40-50lbs overweight at that time, too. But it was something that I always dreamed of doing, and I didn't want to let my weight stop me.

We hiked and hiked and hiked - for about 12-14 hours each day. Every step, every climb, every slip of the foot was both amazing and difficult. I was at the back of the group, sometimes about 1-2 hours behind everyone. Taking my time, determined to get to the end. All I could think about was reaching Machu Picchu (the beautiful lost city at the end of the trail). I saw some of the most beautiful things in my entire life. But there were moments when I threw my sticks to the ground, and perched on the rocks, wanting to cry. I didn't have physical energy left at the end of a long day, and I didn't think I'd ever make it to the end.

There was a voice that kept me going for the entire four days. "One step at a time, don't focus on the end". "Concentrate on that next climb - don't worry about that next mountain ahead". "We'll cross the next bridge when we get there". "Keep your head down - don't look ahead". It was my husband. He kept me going when I had nothing left. There was one particular moment when I threw myself onto the ground, and surrendered myself to the mountains. It was raining, it was cold, it was dark. The rest of the group had already made it to the campsite. I couldn't take another step, I was exhausted. It was 7pm at night, and we'd been hiking since 6am that morning. I remember my husband telling me that we were going to count steps until we got to the end, and not focus on how many steps there were altogether. In the dark, we climbed the rocks one by one. I didn't think about the warm tea waiting for me. I didn't think about collapsing into a heap in my tent. I just concentrated on each step. One at a time. Soon enough, I saw the campfire at the top of the mountain.

I think about that experience a lot. It's nice to think about myself in a size 8 or 10. It's amazing to think about how I'll look, how many kilometres I'll be running, and how many clothes I'll have in my closet. But when I see myself now, it's just a reminder of how far I have to go. While I'll use the future as motivation, I need to remind myself that taking one step at a time is the key to succeeding.

So today: focus on eating well, and getting to my spinning class tonight. All of these days will add up very soon, and the light at the end of the tunnel will start to shine. Just like the sunrise over Machu Picchu the morning I finished the biggest climb of my life.

Blogging it out

2009-11-14T09:14:00.002-05:00

I had a great date #2 with Mr. Spinning last night. Again, I didn't go ALL out, but I pushed myself a lot further than the last time around. I played around with the resistance a lot more. The music was really great, and I was on a high all the way home. In fact, my heart was beating quickly for most of the evening!

So, here's the thing that really sucks. After three great workouts this week, and a reasonable diet, I decided to weigh in. I am UP 3lbs.

I am really, really, really, irritated about this.

To be true to myself, my eating wasn't perfect all week. But it was very good. My exercise was amazing. Did I deserve a big loss? Probably not. Did I deserve a big gain? Heck, no!

So, here's the stuff that plays around like a broken record in my head:

You're doing all the right things! Keep it up, and the scale will reward you in time.
You need to tighten the belt (pardon the pun) on your eating habits. Snacking gets a little out of hand between the hours of 4 and 6. You didn't eat before 7pm on most nights last week.
You need to exercise a bit more if you want to lose weight aggressively.

Let's try this again for another week, shall we? Spinning has come into my life, and I'm sure that the sweating will eventually pay off. It has to!

p.s. Know what else really irritated me? There was a couple in front of me at spinning yesterday, who tried to "reach out" and hold each others hand several times during the class. Now, I can be a big romantic when I'm in the mood. And I don't mind a bit of cheese every now and then. But, this? During a Spinning class? Come ON! Hardly the place or time. I must have muttered "Get a room!" at least twice.

Crush

2009-11-12T14:28:00.003-05:00

You know what it's like when you catch yourself thinking about someone and smiling? Or the very thought of someone makes your tummy fill up with butterflies? Or how you can't wait to see someone again, and start to count down the hours?

I can't wait to go back to my spinning class tomorrow night! Haha. I've been thinking about it since Monday night, and I wish there was a class that suited my schedule before Friday.

I think I might have a crush on spinning. Who would have thought that I'd have fallen for that kind of guy? I'm even thinking about buying sexy new shoes for him. Just not sure if he's a long-term relationship yet, and will need to assess whether it's worth the investment.

Sigh. Oh, spinning. We are so in the courtship phase of our relationship, and I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Weekly Favourite - jazzed up!

2009-11-11T13:11:00.002-05:00

I had this for lunch last week, but was craving it again.

A whole wheat tortilla wrap with hummus, cherry tomatoes, and fresh avocado. I sliced up some cucumbers on the side.

But do you know what seriously spiced up this wrap? Hot sauce! From this book, to be exact.

Here are the ingredients: : scotch bonnet peppers, red onion, green onion, garlic, ginger root, thyme, rosemary, tamari, balsamic vinegar, lemongrass, Dijon, curry powder, cayenne, crushed chilies, oregano, cinnamon and ground cumin.

It is divine.

I was still feeling peckish after lunch, so I sliced up an organic fuji apple. It was crisp and sweet, with a slight tang.

Body is nourished. And ready to attack my ridiculously long (and probably ambitious) "to do" list.

Gosh, I love good food.

Spinnerina

2009-11-10T09:28:00.003-05:00

I must admit: all these years, I just never understood the people who went to spinning classes. I would be at the gym, plugging away on the elliptical machine (staring off into space) and would watch the people coming out of the spinning studio after their class, looking like they just ran through a waterfall. And I'd think, 'What a waste of time! Sitting on a stationary bike for an hour while someone barks at you to increase your resistance. Bo-oring.'

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I got there a few minutes early, and the instructor helped me adjust my bike. I picked the bike in the very back of the room (but of course!). The class was almost full, and people were spinning away and warming up. Everyone in the class was seriously fit. And then I reminded myself that perhaps at one time, some of those people weren't in great shape and started out just like me.

The hour just flew by. The instructor did speed intervals, power intervals, and some resistance work. The best part about the class was that I went at my own pace, and my own comfort level - I didn't go crazy on the resistance at all, because it was my first time. I just wanted to get a feel for the bike. The music was a good mix, but there were some songs that left a little something to be desired. I'm not into working out to blues or jazz music, but it was fine. I was concentrating so hard on not falling off the bike!

Oh, about that. I didn't realize that my feet had to be all the way into the pedals. My ankles were very wobbly about half-way through the class, and I was starting to feel pain. I looked around, and realized what my problem was. I had to stop in order to adjust my pedal straps. As I was doing that, one of the clips on the pedals spun around and gashed my leg pretty badly. Nice chunk of skin flew off. I just kept going.

I came home, and my hubby winced when he saw my wound. I just laughed! It was so worth it, honestly. Some antiseptic cream and a band-aid later, and I was good to go again.

The calorie burn must be crazy. Because it's interval training, the heart rate is going up and down. I read somewhere that it's possible to burn up to 900 calories in a 45-minute class! Talk about big bang for the buck when you're working out.

I'm a bit sore today (but not crazy sore, because I didn't go gangbusters with my resistance dial) - but I will say that I've asked myself why that bike seat couldn't be more cushioned quite a few times this morning. I am walking a bit like I've just gotten off a horse. And I've never ridden a horse before.

So, verdict? Clearly, I loved it! I'm going back on Friday. And I might get a little more adventurous with that resistance dial.

Nervous!

2009-11-09T18:56:00.001-05:00

I'm 20 minutes away from my first spinning class. (I know, I know - I said I was going to pick jogging tonight, but forgot about how dark it gets in the early evening!).

Anyway, I am really NERVOUS. I know I'm going to be the most overweight person there. The gym is SO full of fit people. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up. And yet, I picked up the phone and signed up for the class tonight.

Am I crazy?

Will post later if I manage to walk to the class without fainting!

Sunshine is like an elixer for the soul...

2009-11-09T13:49:00.003-05:00

Thank you guys for your positive thoughts and good wishes about my little guy. I think that they're working! He is smiling like crazy today. I hope it's a sign that he'll be recovering soon. I can handle colds and flu. I can handle cuts and scrapes. But this respiratory virus was pretty ugly the last time around (breathing difficulties are horrible), and I'm hoping it won't be as bad this time. If I could take his illness onto myself (a million times over), I would. It's all a part about learning to be a mom, I guess.;-)

Even though my little guy is under the weather, I strapped him into the stroller and we went out for a walk this morning. All of my worries seemed to melt away under the sun. I came back inside with some new resolve.

I need to get myself moving again. I feel like I'm getting into sedentary mode again, and that isn't good for anyone. Tonight, I'm going to head out for an hour of intense exercise. I feel guilty leaving my little guy, but I need to take care of myself in order to look after him. Right? Right.

So, will it be spinning or running? The gorgeous weather today is gravitating me towards the latter....

Oh, and I've decided to reward myself for my progress on a 5lb basis. I just need to break up this weight loss a bit, so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming. I've been stuck in maintenance mode for way too many weeks now!

First reward: pedicure! 6.5lbs away. It's a bit daft mind you, because I really need a pedicure anyway. My toes are crying for some pretty paint. But I'm going to hold off on scheduling an appointment until I've reached my first mini-goal. End of November, maybe? Why, yes!

My poor feet are counting on me.

Going to be MIA for a few days...

2009-11-07T05:21:00.002-05:00

My little guy has contracted a serious respiratory virus. AGAIN. He had it in the summer, and we thought we had seen the back of it forever. Unfortunately, not the case. With a daughter who brings home a plethora of germs from daycare, I suppose anything is possible.

It's pretty stressful because he has a lot of difficulty breathing.

Anyway, I'm going to be caring for him 'round the clock for the next little while and will be MIA.

I will try and keep the eating in check! Stressful situations don't always bring out the best in me, but I will prevail this time.

All positive thoughts are appreciated!

xo

Inspired in the kitchen

2009-11-05T12:13:00.004-05:00

When my daughter was a few months old, I went to a baby food class to get some ideas on what to feed her. I was very intent on making all of her food from scratch. It was a great experience: I learned about how to combine a lot of different foods to form the best nutrition. Now, my daughter didn't always appreciate my efforts when she was starting out, but I sure as heck had a lot of fun making her food!

The same company offers a "stage 2" class, for babies who are nine months old and up. My son is eight months old now, and I thought I'd take the workshop as a refresher, since he'll be entering the next stage of eating very soon.

Well, no one else showed up to the workshop so it was just me and the instructor! It was a private session, which was really neat.

Anyway, we talked about a ton of different foods to try out: not just for the baby, but for the whole family! I pride myself on being really knowledgeable when it comes to nutrition (yes, I know that seems a bit ironic seeing as I have weight issues), but I still managed to get a whole bunch of meal and snack ideas. Also, in a few weeks, I have a whole bunch of healthy ideas as to what I'm going to add to my son's food: lentils, quinoa, rice puffs, etc. I also came home with a bag of organic apricots to cook and puree for him - delish!

The experience also reminded me that it's easy to forget about how processed certain foods can be. When my daughter was a baby, I would always buy organic "cheerios" for her to eat: no added sugar or chemicals. I've gotten a bit lazy since then, and she eats regular cheerios now. Honestly, there's no reason for it. I found a box of Breakfast O's that are so much more wholesome, and brought some home.

Anyway, it made me feel excited about getting in the kitchen and experimenting a bit. I'm looking forward to all of the interesting textures my son will try out in a few weeks!

My daughter's snack when she comes home from school today: organic rice cakes (with dulse, which is extremely nutritious!) drizzled with tahini butter. And some organic pear slices on the side.

My lunch today: whole wheat wrap with spicy hummus, avocado, and tomato with a side of sliced red peppers and an organic apple.

My fingers are tingling just typing that. Doesn't good food make you feel awesome?

Eye-opening (again)!

2009-11-03T08:41:00.003-05:00

Let me get one thing straight. My counting calories is not about being on a stringent plan, or a straightened arrow. It's about knowledge, so that I can make better choices when I'm eating. What an eye-opening experience! I logged all my calories yesterday, and managed to eat a total of 1750. Probably still a bit higher than it should be, but I think it's the right level for a nursing mom.

I'm not even all that grumpy about it. I think it's because we ate dinner at 6pm yesterday. Sure, I was starving by 8:30, but I had an apple and some cottage cheese. My worst time (and I mean, my worst) is between 2pm and 6pm. I can't stop grazing!

Another NSV yesterday. My daughter's Hallowe'en candy is still lying around. (Don't worry, it's being shipped to my husband's office tomorrow). I managed to contain myself to a mini box of smarties (I think there are 8-10 in a box). Usually, this opens up pandora's box for me, and I go hog-wild! But I enjoyed the small indulgence and moved on. And I included that in my calorie count above.

I even managed to make the Southwest Quinoa salad for lunch today (a la Dreena Burton!), and it looks delicious.

And finally, something embarassing. I have been paying for a gym membership for the last 2-3 months and I've probably been a grand total of twice. What a waste of money! I have a gym in my condo building too (it's just smaller and not as nice). I've decided to take up some classes at the gym 2-3 times a week. So tonight, I'm going to try my hand at spinning! I've only done it once (a few years ago), and my experience was just so-so. But I think that boiled down to the instructor and music. Hopefully tonight will be a bit better.

Exciting day ahead. I'm getting my hair done this afternoon! In-laws are coming over to watch the baby so that I can escape for a couple of sweet hours. Can't wait!

Operation: Calorie Reduction

2009-11-02T11:47:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, my life is in a constant state of overwhelm! With two little kids, I try and keep my head above water on most days. For example, Monday arrived and smacked me in the face with heaps of laundry, piles of dirty dishes, and a list of errands the length of my arm. I have to get that done, and take care of the kids!

The one thing I never seem to have time for lately, is preparing healthy meals in advance. I am preparing meals on the fly, and make them as healthy as possible - but I would like to know that I have dinner to eat (and that it's balanced and healthy) without sweating over it minutes before 6pm arrives when my tummy is growling. I have a meal plan, I buy the groceries for it, but I just don't seem to have the time to put it into action! Such is my life right now, and I'm just going to do my best.

Anyway, I'm going to cut back on my calories starting today, after my revelation last week that I'm eating too much. When this happens I get really grumpy. But I'm not going to get out of the vicious cycle of weight maintenance unless I give it a shot. I'm also still nursing my son, and my body is clinging steadfastly to a bunch of weight so I need to take that into consideration too. Gah!

So, here are my goals for this week:

- Reduce calories to the 1800 level;
- Exercise at least 3 times;
- Eat before 7pm each night.

That's it! Easier written than done, I know. But if I stick to it, I know I'll see a difference by the end of this week.

On the menu this week: southwest quinoa salad, vegetarian lasagna, mixed vegetable and lentil stew, and vegetable stirfry with grilled tofu. YUM.

I will post again tomorrow. Forgive me if I sound a bit cranky by then.

Reality Check

2009-10-30T14:07:00.004-04:00

I'm not really a calorie counting person. I usually eat intuitively, choosing healthy and nourishing foods. I also try and eat 2-3 snacks a day, just to keep my appetite at bay. If I'm working out, I might increase what I'm eating a little more.

Since the scale doesn't seem to be budging, I thought I'd log a typical day's eating over at SparkPeople, just to get a sense of my caloric intake.

Holy smokes. That was an eye-opening experience! I'm eating close to 2000 calories a day! It all adds up - the larabars, the handful of trail mix, the spoon of almond butter in my oatmeal, etc.

It's no wonder I'm not losing weight! That's 2000 calories on a "healthy" eating day, too. Clearly, I need to cut back.

It really does boil down to basics. Eat less, move more. I honestly didn't think I needed to calculate my caloric intake, but I'm happy for the reality check. Now, I'm off to figure out how to decrease what I'm eating without feeling like I'm depriving myself!

*

Fellow Torontonian of Balance is Beauty is giving away Glo-Bars! Check it out.:-)

Miscellaney, aka "Shotgun" post

2009-10-29T09:27:00.002-04:00

Cake decorating class was SO much fun yesterday! I got to pipe cupcakes, decorate cookies with beautiful little sparkles and beads, and also dressed up a gingerbread man and lady. Two hours of fun, fun, fun!
I placed all my beautiful accomplishments in a box to take home. I got up to go and wash my hands. When I was washing my hands, I heard a loud groan in unison from the entire class. My friend (who went to the class with me) had accidentally knocked my entire box onto the floor. Gingerbread smush. Buttercream frosting smeared all of the chair.
I was sad. It wasn't my friend's fault, but I felt sad. I was looking forward to showing my hubby and daughter all the stuff I made.
Instead of sulking, I sucked it up. It was about the process of decorating and the fun that i had during class.
I couldn't eat any of the goodies, because there was egg in everything. But I can't WAIT to reinvigorate my "Vegan Cupcakes Take over the World" book! So really, it was a blessing in disguise!
I've been trying to eat dinner earlier, like before 7pm. It's a huge task in our house. We only did it one day this week, but I could already feel a big difference in energy levels afterward. Will attempt it again today.
The weather is beautiful here. Rainy, but beautiful. I'm going to go for a run tonight. Well, my "run/walk" thing.
Feeling gooooooood! Trying to hold it together until the end of this week.:-)

That's all!

The pants

2009-10-27T09:10:00.003-04:00

I've got a meeting at my office this afternoon. Yes, I'm still on maternity leave! Still, it's something important that no one else can deal with so I need to go in. My dad is coming over to watch the baby this afternoon.

I just had a major case of closet panic. We've all been there before. First stage of panic: what will fit me? That top accentuates my stomach. Those pants feel too snug at the waist. Those other pants cling to my butt. I probably need to lie on the bed to squeeze into my favourite pants now. Second stage of panic: What is appropriate to wear? Should I wear a blazer? Should I dress down a bit? That sweater looks like it has seen better days. Oh.my.goodness. I can't breathe. I surrounded myself with a mountain of clothes that I yanked out of my closet in desperation.

Keep in mind that I haven't had to go into an office for several months now. And when I did, I had a nice little maternity wardrobe to wear. So technically, I am going back about 1.5 years into the confines of my closet. Scary, scary, stuff.

Anyway, I found two pairs of black dress pants that looked half-decent. Tried on the first pair. And they were loose. LOOSE. (one more time for some extra oomph!): looooooose! To the point where I had to fold down the waistband on them in order for them to stay up nicely.

Second pair seems to fit perfectly. Yay, yay, yay! I found a cute pair of deep red kitten heels to wear, and a chocolate brown purse to match. I'm looking forward to dressing up! I have been living in track pants and hoodies for the last few months, and it has made me feel so frumpy and unhappy.

It was awesome motivation this morning. They are expensive pants - I remember splurging on them. So I'm slightly bummed that I can't wear them anymore. But wow - in a couple of months, I'll be able to swirl around in the waistband of those pants like it's a hoola-hoop!

Here's to more pants going into the donation bag by the end of this year.

Yay, it's Monday!

2009-10-26T09:01:00.003-04:00

I didn't think I would ever entitle a blog post on Monday with that much enthusiasm, but there you have it!

It's the beginning of the week! Lots of good food choices to be made. Lots of exercise to be had.

AND, I'm going to a cake decorating class on Wednesday night. My first one ever! I've always wanted to learn how to pipe icing into my vegan cupcakes with some panache!

So there you have it. I am going to see some results by the end of this week, and will end off October with a bang.

I've got a truck-load of energy this morning - who wants some?

Realizations

2009-10-23T09:43:00.003-04:00

Forgive me for being a bit philosophical this Friday, but I've had a lot running through my mind lately. The lovely Christy has commented that I can sound a bit like a self-help book, and this is probably an extension of that!

Last night while I was pondering some, oh, light topics like the meaning of life, children, and love, I came to a realization about myself and this weight loss journey. It's really, really, really, simple.

I've gotten to the place that I'm in (excess weight, unhealthy lifestyle) because I didn't care about myself. Every time I reached for an extra piece of chocolate, or decided to indulge in some extra pizza, etc., etc., I was making a conscious decision to not care for myself. Yes, I said conscious. Maybe I deny it when I'm in the act, but frankly, I always feel guilty afterward. That must mean it happens consciously.

The next question is, why have I disrespected my body all this time? Well, that is going to require some more philosophical pondering to answer. I don't know, and I think it's as a result of a lot of things. But it has been going on for long enough.

So all this time, I've been trying to "stay on the wagon", and "walk on a straight line". I've been trying to "eat perfectly", "exercise perfectly". And frankly, perfection is impossible. It's not sustainable. And when we fail, we feel guilty, and engage in unhealthy behaviour again and again. Hence, my having a weight loss blog for a few years now. I enjoy blogging, don't get me wrong, but I would really like to start blogging about something else very soon!

I made the decision some time ago that it was time for a change. That now was the time. Starting "this" second, I was going to reform. I realize now, that while my efforts were noble, I was missing one fundamental thing. I needed to care about myself. Because you can force yourself to go on a "diet" or "watch" what you eat. You can force yourself to strap on those shoes and exercise everyday. But in your heart of hearts, if you truly don't want it, there's no point. And the only way you'll truly want it is if you care deeply for yourself. Making the decision with your mouth is totally different from making the decision with your heart.

For me, this realization feels like the key. It's the piece that has finally unleashed something and makes sense to me. I didn't wake up this morning and proclaim love for myself. But I did feel a bit more respectful of my body. And in time, I hope the respect will deepen. If I can work on this, I think the health and weight loss will come much more easily.

I don't know if any of this made sense. Or maybe it's like, duh! Of course! But different things "click" for different people. And this was a huge revelation last night. This means that I'm going to be living life, caring for myself, and getting healthy along the way. As opposed to trying to get healthy and squeezing the "life" part into my regimen.

Free your mind, and the rest will follow. So true.

Stopping to smell the roses...

2009-10-22T09:07:00.003-04:00

Lately, I feel like life has been whizzing by. It's not that I haven't been enjoying the ride, but I feel like I'm taking a lot for granted. The fact that time is flying has been most evident in my almost-three-year-old daughter. She's starting to look so little-girlish, and the toddler days are starting to fade behind her. Everyday she does something that makes me think, "When the heck did she start doing that?!". I started thinking yesterday about how fast time is going.

I'm starting to realize that life can pass me by, as I become preoccupied with other things (especially the kids!). I need to make sure that I stop to smell the roses, and appreciate what I have, especially as far as my health goals are concerned.

I always tend to focus on what I'm not doing right, and how I could be doing so much more. And then I feel guilty.

So here are three health-related things that I'm grateful for:

1. Running a 5K!
2. Losing 10lbs and getting to my pre-pregnancy weight with my son. Sure, I have a LONG way to go, but it's a start.
3. Exercising at least three times a week. Even if it's a stroller walk.

Here's to focusing on the positive, and continuing to work towards goals.

p.s. I'm going to visit with my English teacher from high school today! I haven't seen her in about, oh, fifteen years. She was a big inspiration to me, so this should be fun!

Still here!

2009-10-20T13:23:00.002-04:00

Thank you all so much for your amazing encouragement and support! I'm really, really, grateful - in ways you'll never know.:-)

It has been a whirlwind of a week so far (I know it's only Tuesday!), and it's not just because of my 5K. A few other things have been going on, keeping me busy.

I still feel crazy good about my accomplishment from Sunday! Please feel free to roll your eyes, I know it was only 5K! But I'm starting to feel hopeful about myself, in a way that I never thought was possible. When I had decided against doing the run (about a week ago!), one of the things that was nagging away at me was the fact that if one of my kids (say, ten years from now) backed down from one of their goals, I would never let them do that! So why should I let myself do the same thing? And after all, isn't parenting about setting a great example? I think that's the thing that makes me the proudest about finishing. That, and I didn't give up at any point.

It's beautiful here in Toronto today, and I have the urge to go for a run tonight! I'm already starting to think about another 5K in the Spring to keep me training over the winter.

Honestly, that's all from me right now. I'm in a good place. I'm not trying to be "perfect" and walk on a straight line. I'm feeling good about what I eat. I'm trying to be more intuitive with my hunger. Don't get me wrong - I know I have to minimize my calories and move more in order to lose weight. I am incorporating all of that.

Right now, I'm trying to enjoy the residual high after achieving something I really didn't think I could accomplish. The world feels like my oyster, and it's an awesome feeling.

And then I ran a 5K....

2009-10-18T09:46:00.004-04:00

I did it! In about 40 minutes, which is 10 minutes less than I had expected. Of course, my time wasn't important - but it's nice to have a baseline for next time. Yes, there will be another one.;-)

I ran 3 minutes, walked one minute the whole time. I kept a very steady pace. I could have gone faster, but I just wanted to be consistent and run across that finish line.

Thoughts before the race:

- What the heck am I doing here with all these runners? I have no business being here.
- It is 0 degrees outside, and I am freezing. FREEZING.
- The announcer keeps asking the walkers to move to the back of the start line, and the runners to keep at the front. I am closer to the front, but do I belong at the back?
- Gosh, there are some fit people here!
- What the heck am I doing here with all these runners? (yes, this thought repeated in my head about a thousand times).

Thoughts during the first half of the race:

- Toronto is such a beautiful city;
- I'm running on a main road!
- I don't know how long I can sustain this;
- Look at all the teams, running for a cause;
- I feel a bit lonely for my husband (the first (and previous) 5K I ran was with him);
- Am I ever going to make it to the half-way mark?
- I can't wait to walk again, when is my next break?
- I'm doing this for so many people. My dad, especially. He hasn't been an amazing example when it comes to being healthy. He has health issues now. But he's my daddy.
- My three-year old daughter's lips on my nose this morning (covered in peanut butter), and her smile when she said, "Good luck, mama!"

Thoughts during the second half of the race:

- The road is uphill. The wind is against me. This is hard.
- Look at all the people passing me.
- I want to be a runner. So badly.
- Could I run a 1/2 marathon one day? Maybe?
- I am running so slow. My legs feel like molasses, but I can't go any faster.
- When is my next walking break?
- Am I the last person in this race?
- I can do this. I will do this. I'm more than half-way through.
- I hiked the Inca Trail in Peru, this is only a 5K.
- Gosh, I love my hubby to bits. He is my rock.
- My 7-month old son's smile melts my heart all the time. I can't wait to kiss his cheeks.

The last bit:

- I'm almost there. Holy crap, I'm almost there.
- I don't care about my next walking break. I'm putting my stopwatch away. I'm running the rest of this, until my legs won't carry me anymore.
- There's the finish line. I'm going to run across that finish line, and smile.
- Holy crap. I did it! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

So now, I'm wearing my little medal. It's only a 5K, I know. I can't imagine how people run 1/2 marathons and marathons. But this was a goal of mine, and today, I achieved it. I was this close to not running the race. But thanks to a little help from my friends (you know who you are!), I changed my mind.

I'm so glad that I did this. I feel like a different person. Somehow, my weight loss journey doesn't feel like it's unattainable anymore. One step in front of the other, just like my little 5K. And I'm going to get there.

The verdict

2009-10-15T08:55:00.003-04:00

I'm doing it!

Thanks to all of you for weighing in. (no pun intended).

One of my goals this year was to cross the finish line of a 5K race. I'll probably run half of it, which isn't what I had hoped for. But it's better than not running it at all. Instead of looking at this from an "all or nothing" point of view, I'm just going to give it my best. It really represents my views on my journey to better health. There's no such thing as being perfect. It's just about doing the best we can, step by step. I am going to apply the same principle to this race.

In some ways, it's a relief that I'm not trying to finish within a certain time. My goal is to step over the finish line. It seems less daunting somehow. Funny how I thought this would be the "check-point" along my running journey. But now, I'm looking at it as the beginning. It's great motivation to continue running this winter (even if it's on the dreadmill) so that I can pick up in the Spring and try my hand at another race.

That's it! So please send me a little luck on Sunday morning. I'm going to need it! I'll post back when it's done.

Thank you so much!

Dilemma! Need opinions

2009-10-13T21:22:00.002-04:00

So, I signed up awhile ago for a 5K next Sunday.

The head of my mom and baby classes was so excited about it, she offered to run it with me, as support.

My training slipped through the cracks over the last few weeks. Bah. I had emailed this woman a few weeks ago to make plans, but didn't hear back from her. I assumed that she wasn't going to be able to run it with me.

The last few days, I was thinking about not running the race. I can only run 3 minutes at a time (at most!). I really wouldn't be able to do the race any justice. I have really let myself down on this one.

Anyway, this woman just e-mailed me saying that she signed up for the race and she's really excited to wait for me at the finish line. I really didn't expect to hear back from her!

What do I do? I feel terrible. I don't think I'm ready to run a 5K, but I was supposed to be trained up by now. I also don't want to let this woman down.

Opinions, internet?

Getting back on track is not as hard as I thought...

2009-10-13T14:25:00.003-04:00

Once you've fallen off the wagon for awhile, it can feel intimidating to climb all the way back on. So, we avoid doing it for a day. And then another day. Soon, the week, and month has gone by.

This time, I'm finding it much easier to just get back on track. It's not as hard as it once seemed.

We eat really amazing food at my house. I know a million things about optimal nutrition. I love to exercise. So really, it's just about getting my act together and not overeating!

Today for lunch, I met a friend at a delicious panini place. They serve their paninis with fresh arugula salads. Still, I was worried about eating a bit too much bread at lunch. So, I decided to walk to the restaurant and walk home. 30 minutes each way! Pushing a stroller. It was windy and cold, but so worth it. I was able to enjoy lunch so much more, knowing that I had earned it. I had the mozzarella, oven-roasted tomato, and fresh basil pesto variety. Yum! My friend got biscotti and a latte for dessert. I got some peppermint tea.

Oh, and my fridge is FULL of sweets. I would throw them all out, but we went to a specialty store to buy them for Diwali celebrations next weekend. They're for my hubby and daughter. That's the thing about having kids now: I need to pull myself together and show some self restraint. It's not all about me, and there will always be some treats around. So, my goal for this week is to not eat ANY of them. Yes, I'll be tempted. Yes, I'll think about them when the moment is weak. But I'm going to dive into the fruit drawer of my fridge instead!

Now, I'm off bake a chick-pea / fennel casserole for dinner. I'm starting to feel like me again.

Being accountable

2009-10-12T21:09:00.003-04:00

So here's the thing with blogging about weight loss. It makes you accountable. To the entire internet! It's not like I have a massive following or anything, but you know what I mean.

And when there's silence in blog-land, you can almost certainly assume that it means the weight loss ain't going well. Why? Because it's embarrassing to come back and write about it. Why again? Well, it feels like I'm letting people down. It feels like I'm weak. And it feels like people will stop believing in me, and will think that I'm pathetic.

But the thing is, I swore to myself that when I started blogging again, I would be brutally honest about my efforts. I'm writing here to vent my own thoughts, but also on the off-chance that I'll say something someone out there can relate to, and maybe it'll help them get through another day on their journey. I'd rather come back here and write about how much I'm struggling, then to be silent.

I confess to the following:

I haven't weighed myself in awhile.
I haven't been as fastidious about my eating as I should be.
I haven't run / exercised in almost a week.

Am I sad that I haven't been caring? Yes. Do I still want to lose weight and be fit? Yes. Do I wish that I could just get it together and be consistent? ABSOLUTELY.

I think I need to start thinking about why I continue to sabotage my own efforts.

I'm the type of person that can accomplish almost anything that I set my mind to. Losing weight has been the biggest challenge I've ever had to deal with. I don't know why - I'm sure there are some embedded issues from childhood that require further analysis. But it's not impossible.

But what it boils down to, is that the only person stopping me from succeeding is ME. And the only way I'm going to get healthy is by being consistent. Not wavering in my efforts. Not making excuses. Not giving up.

Life is busy. I almost always come last on the priority list everyday, especially as far as my family is concerned. I need to start making this my focus. Every single day. That doesn't mean I have to stop living life. But it means that I need to give it lots of effort.

So, ladies and gents. I'm sure you're tired reading about me wanting to try. But not as much as I am writing about it. And thinking about it. And feeling guilty about it. So I'm just going to climb back on the horse again. I don't know if this will be the last time, but I sure hope so.

The point is, I ain't giving up until I get to the end.

Wearing it on the outside

2009-10-09T13:16:00.004-04:00

I'm a really private person. I don't share a lot of details about my personal life, save for a few close friends and family.

When I rode the subway today, I started thinking about people and their lives. How the person sitting across from me could be a recovering alcoholic, and I wouldn't know it. Or the lady sitting next to me might have lost someone close to her recently. Or how anyone on that train could be suffering from a terminal illness. You just have no idea what is going on in people's lives.

And then I started to think about my fat. And what it says about me. These are some of the thoughts that came to mind:

I can't control what I eat;
I don't care about myself;
I don't want to be healthy;
My appearance doesn't matter

And I'm wearing all of that on the outside. So much for being such a private person! Those are the impressions that someone might have when they look at me. The irony of it just kind of struck me today.

Those are some pretty stark impressions, and I'm not proud of any of them! Yet another reason to propel myself towards a more healthy life. I don't care about what other people necessarily think about me, except for the fact that some of those impressions are true. Must change that.

*

In other news, I finally purchased a pack of Glo-bars from Angela. There's a lot of hype about them right now, because she just started shipping to the US!

Conclusion: They are DELICIOUS! Very homemade tasting, not too sweet, and surprisingly filling. The ingredients are all organic and very wholesome. It's obvious they're made with lots of TLC. They just arrived yesterday evening, and I've already eaten two!

The only downside is that it cost almost $37 for 10 bars, which is a bit painful on my wallet. Spending almost $4 for an energy bar isn't something that I could personally afford to do on a regular basis. But they're a lovely treat.

Having said that, they are great bars and I hope she has much success with them.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Remembering a time...

2009-10-08T08:50:00.002-04:00

I try not to reminisce about my last weight loss, but it's hard not to. About 7 years ago, I managed to lose about 60lbs. There was a bit of an "ah-ha" moment that lead up to it, but mostly, I got sick of living in that body.

Interestingly, I didn't wake up one morning and decide to "be perfect" in my eating. It was a result of slow baby steps. In fact, I didn't even have a plan, per se. I ate intuitively. I started to enjoy exercising, at least four times a week. Simple.

There was some serious determination in me, though. I would leave for work at 6:30am everyday (long commute, I was living with my parents at the time), and wouldn't get home until 7:30pm. As exhausted as I was, I would run upstairs as soon as I walked in the door, throw on my gym clothes, and drive to the gym. I used to work out for an hour and fifteen minutes. I'd get home at 9:30pm, shower, eat dinner, and spend at least an hour on the phone with my fiance (now hubby!) before falling into an exhausted sleep. And then I'd do it all again the next day.

Even on Saturdays, I would set my alarm for 7:00am (!) and make it to the gym for 8, so that I could be the first one there before it got busy.

My eating was very intuitive. Basically, I cut my portions. I ate when I was hungry, but made good choices. I worked late quite often (past 10pm sometimes!), and when my team ordered greasy dinners, I would eat salads and grilled veggies without rice and potatoes. I had plenty of small indulgences during the week to keep me going: a chai latte, a tiny donut (known fondly as timbits to us Canadians!), junior mints (low fat chocolate), etc. In the summer, I even remember getting Dairy Queen Blizzards every so often. But I would compensate with lower calorie eating during the rest of the day - all intuitively. Calorie counting is something that has never worked for me.

People marveled as the weight fell off me. "What are you doing to lose all that weight?", they would ask in amazement. I would always answer, "I'm eating right and exercising". I never received a look of satisfaction with that response. I think people wanted me to respond with: "Atkins!", "Diet Pills!", "Weight loss surgery!". But that wasn't the case.

I'm starting to remember what it felt like, week after week, to see my body changing. To feel my clothes swimming around my stomach. To touch my hips and never recognize that body as my own. To feel lighter, more energetic, and powerful.

Life has changed a lot for me now: two kids later, and it's not always about me anymore. But there's one thing that will continue to get me far, and that's determination. With it, anything can be accomplished. I'm starting to remember that.

Stepping it up

2009-10-07T08:51:00.002-04:00

The last few days I've been really exhausted and sluggish. No amount of sleep seems to be enough! I wake up feeling like it's 3am. I'm either coming down with something, or there's some hormonal shift going on in my body. Or, it could be that the slightly blustery weather outside is starting to encourage my body to go into hibernation mode.

Needless to say, I need to up my game. I think I've been in maintenance mode as far as my weight is concerned, and I'm starting to get a bit loosey-goosey with food choices.

I need to move things along here, so it's time to get aggressive once again.

I can't believe how easy it is to slack off a bit -a day turns into two days, then a week, then a month, etc. There needs to be constant commitment to this journey. I'm learning that. Slowly, but surely. It's not a race - this is as much about a mental transformation as it is a physical one.

So last week, I managed to exercise five times. This week, I'm at nil. Luckily, it's only Wednesday and there's time to redeem myself yet.

That's the thing about this weight loss journey: I'm learning that course correction is what it's all about, not throwing in the towel. There's always a way to compensate for bad choices without giving up altogether. It's never too late.

So, the past few days are history. Today, I'm giving it my all.

Dessert for Breakfast?

2009-10-05T10:32:00.002-04:00

I feel like I have just eaten the most decadent dessert for breakfast! Oatmeal with hazelnut butter, chopped bananas, cinnamon, and a healthy drizzle of maple syrup. Wow. It was a rough morning getting my daughter out the door, so I felt like a bit of an indulgence. I feel fully fueled for the rest of the morning!

I got next to NO sleep this past weekend. Saturday night was an all night art festival in my city. I actually managed to get out! With plenty of drink and food, we set off on foot, wandering around the city looking at some art installations. Some of them were pretty cheesy, but others were really neat. It was amazing being among a million people, wandering around all night looking at art. I'd definitely do it again next year. Some alcohol was indeed consumed, and there may have been some popcorn and a few french fries at the end of the night. But I walked 6 kilometres or so. And maybe it's wrong of me, but I didn't feel guilty at all. I had such a fun night, and I was back on track the next day.

Right, about the lack of sleep. I didn't sleep last night because I just couldn't. I tossed and turned, counted sheep, made "to do" lists in my head, and finally drifted off around 5am. My son woke me up at around 6am, and thus, my day began.

Despite that, I feel soooooo energetic this morning! I couldn't wipe the smile off my face all the way to my daughter's school. I have no idea why, because I am so sleep deprived. Still, I'll enjoy the burst of energy while I can!

Have a great Monday!

Martyrdom

2009-10-03T14:17:00.003-04:00

So, I'm a saint, I tell you.

I'm a huge fan of vegan baking. The cookbooks I own are spilling off my bookshelf. I don't know why, but I get seriously excited at the idea of vegan treats. They tend to be healthier than dairy-laden desserts, but I'm most excited at the prospect of something being just as delicious as its non-vegan counerpart without using any milk or eggs! Okay, I'll stop raving. I'm a nerd that way.

Why am I a saint?

Because this amazing event is happening in my city today. Totally fabulous vegan bake-off. Apparently, the entries were amazing last year. I thought about entering this year, but the babe came along. Next year for sure!

It's with heavy heart that I've decided not to go. As much as I want to participate in sampling, my weight loss goals just aren't conducive to that right now. (Insert tear trickling down my face here for dramatic effect).

I also did my run this morning, so it'd be awfully silly of me to cancel out the calories I burned off. Right? Please tell me I'm right.

Sigh. If I don't see a reward on the scale this coming week, I'll be pretty sad!

It truly is mind over matter

2009-10-01T22:38:00.002-04:00

So I took my little guy over to my parents' place today. That meant that I wouldn't get home until really late, and that going for my run would be out the window. I tried to convince myself that I could still go after dark. You know that voice? It's the kind of pretend voice that temporarily convinces you that everything is going to be on track. For example, it's the one that tells you that you'll order a salad at the pub, when you've ordered fries every other time. It's also the voice that gets up with you on Monday morning after a rotten weekend of eating, and tells you that you're going to work out every single day that week to compensate. Yes, it's the voice that makes you feel good when really, you know better. Because deep down inside, despite best intentions, you know that the probability of succeeding is next to nothing. That is the voice I'm trying to drown out, and make a reality.

Anyway, I knew that the run wouldn't happen after dark. So instead, I took my running shoes over to my parents' place. And I did it during the day. Lord knows I didn't want to, and that a million excuses were milling around in my head. But I went. And it was BRUTAL. There were lots of hills that I had forgotten about in the neighbourhood. Why is it that when you're running up a hill (against the wind), does it feel like you're literally jogging on the spot? I felt like I wasn't moving. But I finished. And that's what counts.

I had to visit my brother this evening, and caught my reflection in the elevator mirror at his building. Honestly, I didn't like what I saw. I'm usually fairly ambivalent about how I look (which is probably why I've gone for this long without doing anything about my weight). But today, my heart sank at the image staring back at me. The first thought that crossed my mind is: I still look pregnant. I had a baby seven months ago, but I still look like I'm a few months pregnant.

And that's the moment where I made a deliberate effort to move to positive thinking. Instead, I walked home briskly, and thought about how my run today moved me one more step away from my overweight body. And the choices I make tomorrow will too.

Mental

2009-10-01T09:49:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the subject heading! Sometimes I do feel like I'm going mental in my house, but that's besides the point.;-)

I've started to realize on this journey of mine that my transformation needs to be mental, almost as much as it is physical. In fact, my emotional state of mind is really going to be the bedrock for all of my physical efforts. It's my mind that will push me to strap on those shoes and get out for exercise. It is my mind that will ask me if I really need that extra cookie. When I feel slobby and sluggish, I'll need my head to remind me of how I've been working hard these last few days, and eventualy, I'll "feel" lighter again.

So I've been thinking a lot about how to focus on positive things. I looked in the mirror this morning and felt a little grossed out about my body. Instead, I tried to think about how fifty pounds less of me will feel and asked myself what I needed to do in order to move towards that goal today. I started to plan out when I'd go for my run. I thought about how the sun is shining.

Phrases like "mind over matter", and "impossible is nothing" are starting to float around in my head. Yesterday, when I could have murdered a chocolate bar, I kept repeating to myself, "one choice at a time".

I need to take care of my mind, and my body will follow. That means continuing to find inspiration, taking deeper breaths, and focusing on the positive. And laughing more. Apparently laughing burns a lot of calories. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. Must work on that next.

Talking myself out of things

2009-09-30T08:48:00.002-04:00

I was supposed to exercise last night after my hubby got home from work. I spent a solid 1/2 hour talking myself out of it: I'm tired, I'll go tomorrow instead, I have too much to do, I want to hang out with my daughter, etc. When my hubby asked if I was actually going to get a move on (we're on a pretty tight schedule with the kids), I started making excuses out loud: "I've got a bit of a headache", "I'm exhausted!", "Maybe I'll eat something first", etc.

Truth is, I was really tired. Still, I dragged myself into my workout clothes and reminded myself of my goals. I decided to not drag my feet around, and tried to get a bit excited about going. With that, I went. And I conquered.

So here's a dilemma I've been having:

My old jeans are falling off me. Like, the butt is sagging, the waist keeps sliding down, and they are just TOO big. Yay!

The jeans which are the next size down fit. But they are snug. Very snug. I don't need to lie on my bed to get the zipper on or anything, but there is muffin top happening. And I feel a little squeezed.

What's better to wear? Jeans that are billowing, because they are comfortable (but also remind you that you've lost weight), or a pair that's smaller and hugs your curves a bit (but reminds you that you haven't lost enough weight)?

I've been avoiding jeans altogether, but I'm tired of wearing track pants everywhere!

The sun just popped out from behind the clouds. It's going to be a fantastic day.

BIG Incentive!

2009-09-29T13:36:00.003-04:00

I think I'm going to stop counting down the days of my journey. I started doing it this way, because I wanted to stay focused and accountable. But I realized yesterday that it made me feel worse: 56 days and not a lot of weight loss. Sure, it was a valuable realization. But right now, I don't feel like getting kicked while I'm down. I might pick it up again at some point, but I need a break for now.

Anyway, I feel great, great, great today. Yesterday was terrific. I had a great run (on the treadmill because it's raining like cats and dogs here), and am so sore today. I feel focused again.

So here's some pretty big incentive for staying on track: I just booked a weekend away in NYC with hubby at the end of December. Sans children! Wheeeee! I'm heading back to work in January after my maternity leave, so I'm hoping to do some killer boxing day shopping there. I would really love to buy some new clothes.

Having said that, I'm not going to focus on what things will be like three months from now, or how much weight I will have lost. That's how I get myself into trouble when I don't live up to my expectations.

I'm just going to take things one day at a time. One hour at a time. And make good choices. I'll get there soon enough.

Day 56: Feels like Day One again

2009-09-28T09:57:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure why weight loss is such a struggle for me. It's only food. Why can't I just moderate my intake of it, and be done with things?

Well, that's a philosophical question I've been struggling for about twenty years now, so it probably doesn't involve a simple answer.

Anyway, I'm not going to be dishonest. The last few days have been a free-for-all, in terms of my eating. I haven't even been trying. I'm not sure why I'm trying to sabotage the success I've had thus far. I always thought that if I got some momentum going, it'd become easier. But it hasn't.

So here I am. 56 days. And not a lot of weight loss to show for it. I'm starting to realize that I somehow expected this to be easy. But it won't be. I think everyday is going to be a huge challenge, and I'm going to need to mentally prepare myself for it.

I'm not the kind of girl who gives up. So I'm dusting myself off, and am going to try this again. I'm not embarrassed about this. What would be shameful, is if I gave up now and decided to hide my head in a bag of chips. I'm not throwing in the towel.

To all of the blood, sweat, and tears ahead, I say: BRING IT ON.

Day 53: Took the words right out of my mouth

2009-09-25T14:16:00.003-04:00

So Lyn, who has a great blog: Escape From Obesity writes about really thought-provoking stuff sometimes. The kind of stuff you need to digest for a while.

Anyway, she wrote a blog entry today that really resonated with me. Her first paragraph could have been written by me. I feel like I'm yo-yo'ing already, and I've only lost 10lbs. It's too early to be doing this. But it's all about consistency and wanting it badly enough.

It's one thing to say you want it. It's another thing to put your money where your mouth is. And that means giving it 110% most of the time.

I'm not in a place where I'm binging on junk. I'm just being a bit lazy and sloppy with my eating and exercising. That's not going to get me anywhere, and I know it. So I'll have no right to complain when I get on the scale next week and there's a gain.

Time to focus really hard again, and not just say I'm going to try.

Here are my short-term goals:

Donate all of my maternity clothes this weekend. Having those billowing clothes in my closet is NOT helping me when I get dressed everyday. Wearing jeans that are sliding down my butt when I walk doesn't feel good.
Put together a workout plan and stick to it. No matter what. It's going to be a promise I keep to myself, rain or shine. No excuses.
Cross that 5K finish line. My training plan has started to go down the drain. Again, I'm being sloppy. But I've committed to finishing, even if I have to walk. So I need to get back in action, with only three weeks to go! Eeek!

That's it. I will post back here with a loss next week. Yes, you read that right. I'm that sure of myself.

Day 52: Dusting off those shoes

2009-09-24T13:19:00.002-04:00

This week has been a bit er, slow, in the exercise department.

I had great intentions of going out for my run yesterday, but completely underestimated how wiped out I would be after dealing with the kids all day. I don't have both of them with me on my own very often, so it's always a challenge. A joy (for some parts of the day!), but a challenge too. Anyway, the thought of lacing up my shoes and heading out after hubby got home was more than I could bear.

I was supposed to have a playdate today with a friend of mine. I decided to bail, and go to an exercise class instead. Ha. This class was on the other side of town, and took me almost an hour to get there! And of course, an hour to get back home. Was it worth it? Yes. It was great to feel myself moving again. Two hours of commuting for an hour of exercise. But I read somewhere the other day that for each hour of exercise we do, we add two hours to our life-span. I'm not sure what that means in terms of the math, but I know I did the right thing!

The other decision that I've made is to not weigh myself this week. I have a feeling I maintained (or even slightly gained) this week. I can just feel it. I don't need any more discouragement, so I'm going to weigh in at the end of next week. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I don't think I want to feel like a hamster running on a wheel right (and going nowhere!) right now.

Sigh. I know what I have to do to get the weight loss moving. Eat less, move more. Simple. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I'm still determined to keep trying.

Day 51: Serenity Now

2009-09-23T09:40:00.002-04:00

Super quick post.

I'm home alone with both kids today, so I'll be busy busy busy. Started off the day with a green monster (my daughter reminded me to put in the almond butter!), so I'm energized. I've got lunch and snacks planned. So now, it's just keeping away from stress eating.

Someone is calling for me - gotta run.

Day 50: the right side of bed

2009-09-22T10:11:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning with a totally new sense of resolve. It's amazing to feel like me again.

Here's some awesome stuff:

I have a meeting for work today that I need to go in for. I went in my closet, picked out an outfit that I wore to work before I was pregnant and tried it on with DREAD at the pit of my stomach. It fit. Just like before I had the baby. I still have a TON of weight to lose, but do you know how nice it was that my work pants fit me comfortably? Awesome.
I've been slack in the running department lately, and my 5K is less than a month away. I put together a revised running schedule last night which involved me getting up early (!) this morning to go running. Well, that didn't happen. Sometimes I forget that I have two little kids. Instead of shrugging it off, I took 25 minutes and went to the gym in my building for some cardio and weights. Yay!
My daughter asked where I was going this morning with my iPod (pre-gym). I told her I was going to exercise, and she asked if she could come. It was sweet. I started thinking about how I'm setting an amazing example for her.

And now, I have a million things to do before my work meeting. I'm fueled with oatmeal and some serious optimism!

Woo hoo!

Day 49: Funk

2009-09-21T13:17:00.002-04:00

Short and sweet post.

I'm a bit of a funk that I can't seem to shake off. We all have those from time to time, don't we?

I am 100% convinced that it has to do with my sugar intake over the weekend. It has taken over my body, changed my mood, and made me feel very moody.

I've come back fighting today, but it is hard. I just finished a very healthy lunch, and I'm already taking a mental inventory of my cupboards to see if there's anything sweet.

Even if I have to gnaw on my knuckles for the rest of the afternoon, I'm not going to give in.

Will report back later as to how I did. And whether I have any knuckles left!

Day 48: My body is trying to tell me something

2009-09-20T15:37:00.001-04:00

So yesterday, my eating wasn't so hot again. The birthday celebrations continued. Of course, I could have been a little more selective about what I ate. But I chose not to.

One thing I've noticed over the last 2-3 days since my sugar intake has soared and exercise has been lacking. My body is really starting to hate me. I've had a dull headache that hasn't gone away. I have a crazy zit that is making an appearance on my nose. I feel really blah, and moody. My sleep hasn't been very good. If you ask my husband, he'll tell you that I'm a real peach to be around right now.

Despite the choices we make with our minds, they aren't independent from our bodies. My body is really trying to reject all of this sugar, and it's telling me something. For once, I'm not going to ignore it.

I've started off today on a good foot. This morning, I had an hour-long massage appointment. I kept focusing on healthy thoughts. I'm about to make a huge salad for lunch. Meal preparations for the week are underway. And I'm going out for a run this evening, even if it kills me.

Sugar detox is the pits. But at least I have a mouthy body that tells me when to quit treating it like garbage!

I was going to write, "here's hoping for a better day", but it already is. My jeans were hanging off me this morning, and I'm going to keep remembering that feeling.

Day 47: Disasterous eating!

2009-09-19T08:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was hubby's birthday, and all I can say is that my eating was insane. Insane!

I only had one cupcake, as promised. But there was also chips. And dinner out. And martinis.

Egads.

Well, I'm not proud of it. And I don't mean to sound all nonchalant when I say this, but what is the point in beating myself up over it now? I know I shouldn't have gone overboard, but dwelling on it isn't going to make all the calories go away, is it?

So, I need to step it up this week to compensate for my promiscuous eating. I'm looking forward, and will not let this turn into a downward spiral.

Day 46: Weigh-in

2009-09-18T08:11:00.002-04:00

I maintained this week.

But I'm not freaking out about it. I didn't exercise as much as I should have, and I started to realize yesterday that I probably need to reduce my calories a bit more. I'm still nursing my son, and I was worried about cutting back too much. But those extra handfuls of nuts here and there really do add up. That, and I did have the fruit tart and pizza incident. Oh, and a couple of granola bars. So really, I know exactly why I didn't lose.

I'm not going to get ruled by the scale this time. I'm going to sharpen my pencil this week and try a bit harder.

Here's to a focused week ahead.

Day 45: Busy, busy, busy

2009-09-17T14:47:00.002-04:00

My head is spinning, things are a bit crazy in my land right now.

While I've been active this week, I haven't gone running since Sunday. This is bad. I'm planning on going tonight, but it makes my training that much harder when I leave a few days in between runs. I feel a bit guilty about that. I'm glad I signed up for the 5K - the fact that I've paid the fees and am committed to it makes me want to work so much harder. If I had signed up, I'm sure I would have decided against doing it by now. So, I'll have to do a bit of cramming this week!

Tomorrow is hubby's birthday and I'm planning on baking him cupcakes tonight, with my daughter. I'm planning on enjoying one, and I don't think there is anything in the world wrong with that! Again, I'm in this for the long haul, and deprivation isn't going to work for me.

That's about it, really. Today feels like less of a struggle, but that doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same. So I'll enjoy it while I can!

Day 44: Good news (for now).

2009-09-16T12:37:00.005-04:00

So when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. It's a form of temporary diabetes that can happen in some women during pregnancy, due to changes in hormones (plus having risk factors). If it isn't managed, there can be serious effects on the baby. Some women need to take insulin in order to help manage things.

Let me just say that it really sucked to have diabetes during my pregnancy. My diet was seriously restricted. I was terrified of eating the wrong thing, for fear of harming the baby. And this wasn't a diet where I felt I could "cheat" every now and then. Every cookie, every morsel of bread, every piece of chocolate could have impacted the baby. I didn't have a choice but to follow the diet to the letter of the law. I needed to prick my finger three-four times a day to check my blood sugar levels. By the end of the pregnancy, my fingers were callaced and sore. I needed to eat at certain times. If I wasn't active after every meal and snack, my sugars were too high. And for those of you who have been nearly nine months pregnant, being "active" isn't always possible. That, and it isn't really practical to start doing jumping jacks at work after you finish lunch.

I would walk by every restaurant that I used to eat at, and feel miserable. Birthdays, Christmas, other special days - I would be extremely restricted in terms of what I could eat. On occasion, when I felt like having a small piece of chocolate and couldn't, I would feel like crying. And then I'd get angry with myself: this was for the good of my baby. But it was so, so, so, hard. Food is so central to my life. Perhaps that was the problem.

Anyway, I managed to keep the diabetes in check without needing insulin. Which was a huge feat. The doctor said that my blood sugar levels were through the roof and thought I'd need insulin without a doubt. She was amazed that I managed it by myself. I don't think she understood what a determined young lady she was dealing with.

So, I learned two very important lessons:

1. I would throw myself in front of a thousand flying bullets for my babies. There isn't anything in the world I wouldn't do for them. So really, watching my diet for a few months wasn't an issue. It was hard for me to do, but I did it. Having said that, look at the last 44 days of my struggles now! When it's just me, it's a different kettle of fish altogether. Why is that? Isn't it really the same thing? I'm doing this to be healthy for them. For me. But it's still harder somehow.

2. It was a huge health scare. And a blessing. I was given a window into the world of diabetes, but was also given a pair of curtains with which to close the glass when I was done looking. I didn't like living that way at all.

So here's the bad news: My chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes in the next ten years have increased four-fold. Especially if I don't lose weight. I am at serious risk of getting diabetes. It makes me sick with fear just to think about it. But then I feel vindicated somehow: I have an opportunity to change this, which is what I'm doing right now.

Anyway, I was supposed to go for some bloodwork three months after I had the baby to ensure that the diabetes had in fact, gone away after pregnancy. I put it off for a few weeks. And then another few weeks. In fact, I put it off for three whole extra months.

Why? I was terrified of finding out. I made a million excuses about being busy with two kids, but really, it was crazy to not want to know. That in itself is a huge risk.

So the morning of my blood test, I decided to pull out the diabetes kit from my pregnancy and check my own blood sugar. It was high. I started to think that I was borderline diabetic, and began to mentally prepare myself. I went to the blood lab (it's a three-hour test!) and sat there feeling sick to my stomach the whole time.

That was two weeks ago. I called the doctor's office with rocks in my stomach yesterday. The secretary said, "Your blood test came back perfectly normal. You're fine."

Tears of relief sprang to my eyes. Wonderful news for now.

But the thing is, diabetes is going to be like a shadow that follows me for the rest of my life. It will chase me, taunt me, and scare me. Everytime I hear the "D" word I'm going to feel uneasy. But I'm so lucky because I have a chance to decrease my odds of getting it.

So. Here I am, Day 44. And I'm starting to become every bit determined as I was a few months ago when that doctor looked at me with amazement. So this journey is so much more than fitting into a size 8 for me. It's about living a long and healthy life. And maybe being around to bounce some great-grand children my knees one day.

Day 43: This gum had better do the trick

2009-09-15T13:42:00.002-04:00

What a refreshing feeling this is. I "blew" my plan yesterday (well, relatively speaking) and I'm not even phased by it. I've just shrugged it off to being a bad day, and here I am again, ready to focus. Maybe we all need a day or two like that, so that we can come back with a vengeance.

Having said that, it's the "after lunch" period right now, and I am suffering for some chocolate. I'm chewing gum like a fiend, in an effort to distract myself. You'd think I was trying to quit smoking or something. Well, no joke, I am trying to kick bad habits so that it isn't too far off from what I'm doing. Isn't this ridiculous?

Sometimes I wonder how I got myself into this situation in the first place. Was all that chocolate really worth this now? Those pizza nights, those extra scoops of ice-cream, the Chinese noodles? So. NOT. worth. it. But there's no point in dwelling on the past - I made some bad choices, and now I'm going to work for as long as it takes to undo the damage. At least this is one thing in life that I can actually reverse, right?

I can't believe I'm 40 + days into this journey. Those baby steps sure do add up.

I'm off to get another piece of gum.

Day 42: iffy day

2009-09-14T19:31:00.005-04:00

So today was not a good day.

Bad: I missed my yoga class this morning because my son was napping, and fell asleep ten minutes before we were supposed to leave. I could have woken him up, but didn't have the heart.

Redeeming factor: I went for a 4K walk with him when he woke up.

Bad: My well-meaning in-laws left behind some fruit tarts this weekend. Really nice pastry, whip cream, and fruit on top. I scoffed one down this afternoon because I was hungry and it was the first thing that caught my eye in the fridge.

Redeeming factor: I went for a 30 minute workout when my husband got home. I didn't feel like going for another run after yesterday, so I just did some cardio at the gym.

Bad: My husband went out with his buddies tonight. It was hard work getting both kids to bed, and I didn't feel like cooking for myself afterward. I ate two pieces of pizza that were in the fridge.

Redeeming factor: none. I shouldn't have eaten the pizza. End of story.

Not everyday will be perfect, and that's okay. I need to just move on without dwelling on it. Several weeks ago, my imperfections would have been much worse. So maybe that's a redeeming factor in and of itself.

Day 41: High as a kite

2009-09-13T10:38:00.002-04:00

...on running endorphins, of course!

I just got back from a peaceful Sunday morning run. Only one mishap - I ran into my brother-in-law on route. And for those of you who run, you know what happens when you stop midstream, right? You start POURING sweat. I was really embarrassed! That, and no one really knows that I've started running. Anyway, it was a brief encounter and it gave me extra motivation to get home quickly before I ran into anyone else!

I'm only running two minutes at a time. I came home, and this was my conversation with hubby:

Me: How in the world to people run marathons?
Him: With practice, just like you.
Me: I'm pathetic! I'm only running two minutes at time!
Him: Yeah, but two weeks ago you couldn't even run for a minute.

I didn't have a witty comeback. In fact, I started to wonder if maybe I can run a marathon one day. One day very far away.

One step at a time, right? For now, I'll be proud of running two minutes, which is as far as my little legs will carry me.

Day 40: Weigh-in

2009-09-12T14:24:00.004-04:00

I was down 3.5lbs this week! Made my goal.

Mind you, I basically lost the weight that stuck to me over the last couple of weeks so it isn't really a loss-loss, but still. I'm back to my 10lb loss.

I need to remember that the scale is just a tool, and it isn't the dictator of whether I'm progressing well. I think my gain a couple of weeks ago was really just muscle and water. But then I got all fussed up about it, and started to slide in my eating, causing a real gain.

Anyway, I've wasted a lot of time trying to lose "regained" weight and learned a good lesson. Back to business now.

Also, I had someone notice that I lost weight! That was pretty cool. I mean, it is just a drop in the bucket what I've done so far - but it was encouraging that someone noticed.

My big goal for today: getting out for my run. Weekends are always really tough to get "deliberate" exerciese, but I have to do it if I hope to have a tiny chance of crossing that 5K finish line next month! As it is, I think I'm going to be crawling across.

That's all! Here's to working really hard for another loss next week!

Day 39: Talking to myself

2009-09-11T12:29:00.003-04:00

So I woke up this morning feeling very sore from my "run" last night. I decided that I was still going to my Booty Hop aerobic class. Packed up the baby, timed his nap, etc (which is a production!) and headed off to my class.

I got there, and it turns out that the class got canceled because the instructor called in sick. I was disappointed (but of course, it's not the instructor's fault that she was sick!). Still, me and a bunch of other moms and babies were kind of stranded.

I decided to walk home (with my son in his carrier), which took a solid 30 minutes. It was good exercise, to say the least!

I had a good lunch of cheese cubes / tofu in a spicy tomato and pea sauce. I was hankering for something sweet afterward. There was one cookie left from a batch that I baked earlier this week (and only had one of! I sent the rest to work with my husband). I decided to treat myself.

This is a dangerous thing. As soon as I ate it, I felt guilty. Like I had "blown" my diet. That I wasn't worthy of having something. Soon, I started to feel like I had opened up Pandora's box. Well, I might as well have a popsicle. Or a square of chocolate. But instead, I decided to take control of my thoughts and started talking to myself: "I've done a great job this week, and that cookie was really enjoyable. I'm glad I treated myself. Time to move on. I don't need another one!". It worked. I'm happy with what I had. It's amazing to feel in control.

Deprivation isn't going to work for me on this journey, because it's simply unsustainable. However, I need to teach myself that it's okay to enjoy these things in moderation. I'm starting to see the light.

Day 38: Energized

2009-09-10T10:49:00.002-04:00

Please excuse my burst of energy this morning.

I feel a.m.a.z.i.n.g. Know why? My son slept for 11 hours straight last night! First time EVER! I know that I am cursing it just by writing that down, but it can't be helped. I finally slept for 7 hours straight last night, and I feel like a normal human being this morning! I haven't gotten this much sleep in months and months and months.

I have totally underestimated how sleep can make such a difference.

Seriously, if I was physically capable, I would have run a marathon this morning.

Anyway, I do think I've cursed it by writing it down here, so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Today, I feel like I can do anything. I'm going to conquer another day on this journey.

Day 37: Eye-opening

2009-09-09T12:39:00.002-04:00

So I went for my run last night, and it was brutal. Brutal. My legs felt like pieces of lead. But I still did it! Running two minutes, walking one. I know, it sounds really easy, but I'm lugging around a lot of weight right now. Eventually, I'll be able to do it without letting the little old ladies pass me by on foot!

I also just got back from my aerobic class. Check and check for exercise. Eating has been good too. Just had a good lunch, but the sugar monster will come out to haunt me in about an hour, so I'll need to be strong.

I had an eye-opening experience on the streetcar ride to my class this morning. A young woman (not older than 30) gave up her seat for me and my baby. (I know this sounds like a perfectly normal thing to do, but sadly, people rarely do this!). Anyway, she started to play with my son on while we were riding. Soon we got talking, and she told me that she had two children of her own: aged five and six (fifteen months apart!). She then told me that her five-year old was severely disabled / crippled, and was wheelchair ridden. She told me her six-year old was mentally disabled (some sort of neurotypical disorder). When I asked her if she had help at home, she told me that she was a single mom. The strain of having two disabled children was too much for her relationship to bear, and the father took off. She held herself together so well, and seemed so strong. When I told her that I couldn't imagine what some of her days were like, she responded by saying, "You have equally hard days!". I laughed, and said that they were nothing in comparison to her challenges. She shrugged it off, and said that everyone sees their own troubles differently. What a remarkable attitude.

I woke up this morning, and I didn't want to exercise. I whined to myself the entire time as I was getting ready to go to class. I complained in my head about my sore, aching muscles. All the while, there was this girl with two severely challenged children, trying to get through the morning.

We take a lot for granted, that's for sure. Sometimes it takes moments like this to bring us back into focus.

After she got off the streetcar and wished me well, I sat up a bit straighter. I held my son close. And then I did a few extra push ups in class, paying tribute to this woman. Last week, an extra few push ups would have seemed impossible. Funny how we underestimate ourselves all the time, isn't it?

Day 36: Really? Day 36?!

2009-09-08T09:37:00.004-04:00

I can't believe that 36 days have passed since I've started this journey. The last week has been topsy-turvy, but I'm finally starting to get on track again.

I weighed in this morning. Before you raise an eyebrow (because we all know what happened last time!), I just needed to get my new "starting point" for the week. I was in a good state of mind when I hopped on.

I'm down 1lb since my big gain, hanging in there at 232.5. My goal for this week (by Saturday) is to lose 2.5lbs, and be back at my 10lb loss. Ambitious? Maybe. But I'm going to set the bar high. I've got Week 2 of my running plan ahead of me, plus some aerobic classes with the baby. I've got a fridge full of healthy food. And a new attitude. Recipe for success?

You betcha!

I was hoping to lose 8lbs in September, but it's looking a bit tough since I am trying to work off my gain. Still, it's amazing to think that I could be almost 30lbs down at the end of October if I keep working hard. That's pretty motivating.

One thing is for sure: the pounds will pack on in seconds, if you're not careful. SECONDS. To take that weight off? It takes DAYS. Blood, sweat, and tears. That math seems pretty ridiculous to me, but that's just the way it is. I need to remember that the next time I'm tempted to stuff my face with unhealthy food.

A good day is ahead, I can feel it in my bones.

Day 35: Back to School, New beginnings

2009-09-07T14:28:00.002-04:00

Happy Labour Day! There's a tree around the corner from my house that has started to turn colour and shed its leaves. Another reminder that Fall is around the corner. I've always loved the Fall. Cardigan weather. Crisp evenings. Cute socks. And back to school. I'm a bit of a nerd like that.;-)

Back to school always marked new beginnings and another year of change in my life. It kind of feels like that again right now. The last few weeks have been transformational for me, and I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings.

So far, I've been on track today. I made an amazing salad at lunch, to go with my homemade soup. A toasted piece of rye bread with goat cheese and oven-roasted cherry tomatoes on top, served on a bed of lettuce (tossed simply with olive oil, lemon, salt, and pepper). It was crazy good.

I'm headed out to my parents' house now, where food is a'plenty. I'm determined to stay on track, and head out for my run when I get home. Even if it's dark.

Here's to having a fantastic and healthy week. And kicking lots of butt!

Day 34: Another reminder

2009-09-06T13:59:00.000-04:00

I'm at an amusement park on this fine Sunday. And I'm petrified of getting on a roller coaster with my daughter because I don't want to get squeezed in by the security bar.

I am not going to live the rest of my life like this. That's why I must keep going.

Today has been good so far. Packed a super healthy lunch for everyone so that we could avoid junk. Brought apples, trail mix, and protein bars to snack on. It feels so good to be in control again.

Day 33: Hanging on by the skin of my teeth

2009-09-06T13:30:00.001-04:00

The last few days on this journey have been tough for a variety of reasons. Obviously, there has been some trouble with the scale. A couple of day ago, I also had my blood test which checks to see whether the diabetes that I had during my pregnancy is in fact, gone. I'm embarassed to say that I put this off for weeks and weeks longer than I should have. Anyway, I've been really anxious about the results, and will find out in two weeks. On top of all that, I've been generally fidgety. All of this has led to some less than desirable eating behaviour. Including, ahem, some french fries last night. A lot of french fries.

I'm on the cusp of something big here. I can continue to slip up and let the pounds pack on. Or I can take the other fork in the road, which means pulling my socks up and trying really hard.

I started this journey because I am ready to get healthy. I need to remember that I'm not perfect. A few bad days doesn't mean that I can't climb back on the horse. In fact, that's what life is all about, and I'll just need to keep trying if I'm ever going to succeed.

So, while I might have messed up over the last few days, I need to remember that it's not going to erase a month's worth of effort.

I'm going to do two things:

- learn from this experience and continue to find ways to quell my emotions other than food;

- Come back fighting. I can do this. I will do this.

Day 32: Dear Scale

2009-09-04T19:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Scale,

I think you're a total phony. I give you unconditional love by taking care of myself. I exercised many times this week. I ate well. I prayed for you to return the love. And you didn't.

In fact, you showed me as having an extra 3lbs on my body as of this morning. After the struggles I endure in order to get some love from you, I thought this was a real kick in the teeth.

You're like a boyfriend that's really bad for me. I want you really badly. When you're good to me, you're really amazing. You dictate my self-worth and happiness. When you're bad to me, you make me feel horrible.

So here we are. I'm not letting you get me down. I'm not going to update my ticker to spite you. I'm going to keep my chin up high and continue to do what I'm doing. I'll come back to you in a couple of weeks. Right now, I just need some distance.

Please don't call me while I'm working through stuff.

Sonya

Day 31: I officially loathe the scale

2009-09-03T09:21:00.000-04:00

I have no idea why I put myself through scale torture, but I decided to hop on again this morning after convincing myself that yesterday's gain was water retention or something. Guess what? I'm UP another pound.

I have been exercising every single day this week. Eating well (except for an extra granola bar yesterday, which I'm not gonna beat myself up over). What the heck is going on? I hope that all of this is muscle gain or something, because honestly, I can't possibly do anymore.

Obviously, I'm perplexed, but I'll keep trudging forward. I'll push myself the extra mile. I've got no choice, and I need to keep remembering that the scale is NOT a measure of my progress. THIS is:
- clothes fitting better over the last month;
- building up the cajones to sign up for a 5K;
- skin looking better than it has in months;
- making better choices for eating.

I need to focus on the important stuff, right?

The struggle continues for another day.

Day 30: Why, why, why?

2009-09-02T09:01:00.003-04:00

Grrrrrrrr!

I have been on track with eating for the last few days. I started my running plan. But I've still been feeling a bit "blah". I think it's because I've been wanting the weight loss to happen more quickly.

Anyhoooo. I decided to hop on the scale this morning (two days earlier than scheduled) to see if I was making progress. Thought it would motivate me a bit.

The EVIL scale tells me that I'm up TWO pounds from last week. TWO POUNDS.

Why, why, why did I get on the scale? I'm so crushed. And I know the scale is evil. I know I'm doing all the right things. I know, I know, I know. But I'm still so annoyed. I am working SO hard here.

Despite that, I'm not going to drown my frustrations in chocolate. I'm going to lace up my shoes and head off to my turbo fit class. And I'll work hard. But I'll definitely be wishing there was a punching bag or something. I could use a bit of letting off some steam.

I'm never weighing in early again.

Day 29: Patience

2009-09-01T13:45:00.003-04:00

I am horrible at being patient. I'm all, I've been at this for almost 30 days, why the heck isn't all the weight gone? It took a long time to put this weight on, and I've got to realize that it's going to take ages to get it off. I just wish that it would happen fast!

So, here marks the beginning of a new month. September. Always a month of promise and new starts.

I've been on track with my eating so far today. I just had a huge salad for lunch (greens, kidney beans, avocado, yellow pepper, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes). I'm still craving more, but I'm going to stay strong until later. Gosh, this is so hard.

I'm off to bite my nails. Or something.

Day 28: Pooped

2009-08-31T20:36:00.004-04:00

Just finished my first day of training. I had yoga this morning, and went for a run/walk in the evening. Yes, I exercised twice today! Will wonders never cease?

But I am exhausted. And sore. Yesterday, I was elated about signing up for the 5K. Today, I'm wondering if someone is going to have to drag me across the finish line!

The sugar cravings after lunch are still tough. I was hoping to be over them by now, but it's still a fight. I'm glad I forgot about the bag of chocolate chips that my daughter bought yesterday for our baking! I wish it would be easier to resist that stuff, but I have to remember that I'm changing habits that I've acquired over years. It's going to take time, and patience is not my best virtue.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I should eat and sleep. And then put today in repeat for tomorrow.

Just signed up for my first 5k since both kids!

2009-08-30T21:52:00.003-04:00

OMG, I'm freaking out.:-)

Day 27: Reality Check

2009-08-30T09:18:00.002-04:00

I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy. I don't have any more to say about it, other than this little snippet I found on the internet, which unfortunately, is 100% true:

"Approximately forty percent of patients with gestational diabetes will develop adult-onset diabetes later in life."

Forty percent. That's practically 1 in 2.

My blood runs cold just thinking about the possibility. And then I feel lucky. I have a chance to actually prevent this from happening to me. I'm not dealing with a diagnosis right now.

What a reality check. Next time I feel like reaching for chocolate, I need to remember this. I can't imagine living with diabetes, and not being able to do all the things with my children that they need me for. It's devastating just thinking about it. So here's being thankful that i have a chance to fix this.

p.s I went for a 5K walk yesterday, despite still feeling cruddy from my cold. Eating was good too. I'm still feeling icky today, but am going to push through it as much as I can.

Day 26: Hypocrite

2009-08-29T14:14:00.004-04:00

So I went out for dinner with a friend of mine yesterday, to celebrate her birthday. And before you wonder, my eating was probably a 6 out of 10. Okay, a 5 out of 10. I should have been more diligent, I agree. But I'm back on track today, and that's what counts.

So anyway, she is really overweight. And she doesn't give a crap. That girl probably hasn't seen a fruit or vegetable in months. She always orders fries on the side if that's an option. She goes for the most disgusting, fattiest food on the menu. Dessert is a must. She doesn't believe in exercise. And if any of her good friends (outside of me) makes a gentle suggestion that she should try and get a bit healthy, she gets really defensive.

I thought about her a lot on my way home last night. And this morning. And I felt really angry. She probably weighs more than I did at my heighest weight, but not a lot more. I almost never ate like that, and being a vegetarian, I'm a freak about eating lots of fruits and veggies. I was moderately active. I obviously ate a lot of crap I shouldn't have, but nothing disgusting. Just a lot of calories and sugar. I didn't seek out opportunities to stick garbage in my mouth. And yet, we weren't all that different in body composition and weight. That just seems unfair. But whatever.

And now, I'm feeling all self-righteous because I'm on the road to losing weight. My ten pounds isn't very obvious to anyone (except me), so I still look overweight. She was drawing all kinds of comparison between the two of us throughout the evening, and it made me really angry. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a reformed person. Well not yet, anyway. But I try to get it right 80% of the time. I am slowly putting one foot in front of the other. I don't want to be like her.

I'm being a hypocrite. Because a few months ago before I started making slow changes, I really wasn't all that different before. My eating was still destructive, even if I didn't drive to McDonald's every night like her. Eating three granola bars in one sitting is really not that different.

So what am I trying to say here? Seeing her, was like a blurry reflection of the old me. Again, I'm not fully reformed, but I'm starting to let go of my past bad habits. It made me realize how far I've come (mentally), and how much I don't want to go back. Having food control your life is absolutely the worst way to live. Not caring about yourself is terrible. Making jokes about how you're just a "fluffy" chick is not cool.

Anyway, it lit a fire in my belly, and was just the second notch of motivation I needed to get me going towards my September goal.

I'm not saying I'm better than her. Because for the most part, I was her. And I have moments where I still am her. It just made me realize that I can't go back. I won't go back there again. And I can only hope that one day, for her sake, she has a revelation of her own too.

So today marks one more step forward.

Day 25: Weigh-in #4

2009-08-28T08:45:00.003-04:00

So I gained 0.5lb this week.

Am I disappointed? Of course. But here's a list of all the positive things that go along with it:

I know exactly why I gained this week. I only officially exercised twice. My eating was a B-. I came down with a bad cold, and my energy levels were awful. It's not like I worked my butt off by eating perfectly and exercising everyday. If that were the case, I would be seriously vexed!
I still made my goal for the month of August. I wanted to lose 8-10lbs. I lost 9.5.
I did something positive everyday for my health. Whether I pushed myself to do some activity, or avoided raiding the cupboards for junk, they were all small wins.
This lit a fire under my butt to try harder. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it!

So, here's to pushing myself to lose 10 more lbs by the end of September. But we'll start with baby steps. Here's to a better weigh-in next week.

p.s. As much as it pained me to do it, I edited my ticker.:-( Ten was such a beautiful and round number. Oh well - next week will go in the other direction!

Day 24: Ick

2009-08-27T09:12:00.002-04:00

I have come down with a behemoth-sized cold, and I feel totally yucky.

I'm a bit surprised, seeing as how exercise and healthy eating are supposed to boost your immune system. I guess germs are germs, and it happens.

I am also s.o.r.e. from yesterday's workout. My abs are throbbing with pain, and my arms feel like jelly. What a fabulous feeling all of this, haha.

When I'm sick, I just want to drown my sorrows in a bowl of soup. Salads are not appealing. Neither or protein shakes. So I'll do my best today. I'm still hopeful that I'll get some exercise later this evening, but I'm not gonna get silly about it. I need to recover first.

We have some company coming over tonight, and I need to head over to the bakery to pick up some treats. I'm going to get some jalapeno and cheese buns, cinnamon scones, and chocolate croissants. I'm also going to pick up some fresh fruit for a salad. Guess which dish I'll be sticking to?

Congestedly yours,
Sonya