Friday, July 31, 2009

When is enough, enough?

I.am.worn.out.

I have never felt so stretched in my entire life. Please excuse me while I take this opportunity to vent.

It has been such a trying two weeks, with the sick kiddies. I have spent every hour of every day worrying. While both children appear to be on the road to health again, I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out, and then run over by a Mack truck a few times.

Since my son has been born, I felt like I transitioned into the world of having two children quite well, especially since I don't deal with big life changes very well. Five short months later, I think I jinxed myself. There were so many moments in the last couple of weeks where I just wanted to run away from the constant worrying, the background noise, and the walls of my apartment that felt like they were closing in.

I haven't had a single break - I've only left my place to go to the doctor's. I have been staring at the outside world from my windows. Lamenting about what life was like before kids, and I didn't have the responsibility of worrying.

Part of this has become harder, because my 2 1/2 year old has decided to turn into the world's biggest tantrum thrower in the midst of all this. These tantrums are of epic proportions. Screaming, throwing herself into the ground, gagging herself, hitting....you name it. She is normally such a patient and sweet little girl, so this is totally new to me. I have to fight back the tears when I'm dealing with her, because my patience is stretched so thin.

I know that there are millions of people out there who have it so much worse that I do, so I feel horrible complaining. It's just hard for me to put things in perspective right now.

I have been abusing my body to the max - no sleep, the worst eating on the planet, no exercise, and very little hydration. How do I start apologizing to my poor, poor, body?

Anyway, I've come to one conclusion. Since my kids have been born, I have been giving *everything* of myself to them, which is to be expected as a parent. But if I don't start taking care of myself physically and mentally (by taking breaks), I'm not going to be serving them very well down the road. I look at myself in the mirror, and I look worn out and tired. I look stretched. I look like someone who couldn't care less about herself. If you saw my kids, they have never looked so loved. It's all about balance - if it means that I spend 1/2 hour less with my daughter each day so that I can go and exercise on my own, so be it. If it means that my son gets a bottle before bed from someone else, so be it. I can't do this anymore - my body has taken enough, and it's on the cusp of crying for help. I need to give it the attention it deserves so that I can live long enough to watch my beautiful children grow.

Sorry for the damper - it has been a rough couple of weeks. Sunnier posts ahead.:-)

1 comment:

Anandi said...

Yikes, yes, you need to take just a bit of time for yourself. Also, I bet if you eat better you might feel better in general. I know i feel a lot better when I'm taking my vitamins, and at least trying to get in some fruits and veggies instead of empty carbs all day :)

Good luck to you!